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UNCLE JAMES ! 

PARCK-COMEDY IN THREE ACTS 








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LENA RIVERS 

By MARIE DOR \N 

This popular and successful comedy drama is now issuec' 
in a copyrighted edition. It contains all the plots and 
complete stage directions, is arranged for 5 male and 4 
female characters, runs 2^ hours and has 2 simple in- 
terior scenes. 

LOW ROYALTY 

Price 35 cents per copy 



Kathleen Mavourneen 

Neiv Copyrighted Version. This well-known Irish favor- 
ite entirely revised and rewritten by Marie Doran, and 
so simplified in stage settings that it can be readily pro- 
duced by amateurs and stock companies. Lotc Royalty 
for Professional Performances. 8 male and 3 female 
characters. Rims 2 hours; i interior and i exterior 
scene. 

Price 25 cents per copy 



Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation 

Sucitssor to 
DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 Vesey Street, New York 



POOR DEAR UNCLE 
JAMES! 

A FARCE-COMEDY IN THREE ACTS 



BY 
BEULAH KING 



Copyright, 1920, by- 
Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation 



^sp 



Fitzgerald Publishing Corporation 

Successor to 

Dick & Fitzgerald 

18 Vesey Street New York 



' Note. — The Moving Picture and Professional Acting 
Rights of this play are expressly reserved by the pub- 
lishers, to whom theatrical managers who wish to produce 
it should apply. • Free to amateurs. rO<r ^ ^ 7 \ 

Poor Dear Uncle James! 



CHARACTERS 



Mrs. Dean A widow 

Frances Her daughter 

Vicky Her daughter 

Max Her son 

Mrs. Davenport Aunt Consta7itme 

Mr. Plummer * A friend 

Mr. Anthony Brice Who is injured 

Susan A maid 

Lucy A maid 

Time.— To-day. 
Locality. — Grasmere, Mass. 
Time op Representation. — About one hour and three- 
quarters. 



SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — Sitting-room at Mrs. Dean's Country 
House, Grasmere. 2 p. m. 
Act II. — Same scene. 5 p. m. the same day. 
Act III. — Same scene. 8 p. m., the evening of the 



same day. 



J/IN2I /920 



Poor Dear Uncle James I 3 

COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 

Vicky, a pretty sentimental maid of ] 5. 

Max, a snub-nosed, freckle-faced youngster of 12. 

Mrs. Dean, a tall, slender woman of about 45, still 
showing lines of having once been very pretty. 

Frances, an unusually handsome girl of 22. 

Mr. Plummer, a fat, round-faced young man of 32. 
His hair is sparse, wholly gone from the top of his head, 
and his bangs are parted in the middle, giving the effect 
of a toupee. He is very fashionably dressed and effects 
the airs of an Englishman. 

Mrs. Davenport (Aunt Constantine), a small deli- 
cate woman rather proud of her looks, spoiled, but shrewd 
and quite sane on all topics but that of her dead husband. 
She strikes one as a little old-fashioned, but still ' * Going 
Some." Succumbs easily to flattery. 

Brice, a tall handsome boy of 23. He wears a walking 
costume of short trousers, heavy woolen stockings, etc. 
His left arm is in a sling. 

Act III. All in evening dress except Brice. 

OtherwiSjO than noted, all wear costumes appropriate 
to the character portrayed. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS 

As seen by a performer on the stage, facing the audi- 
ence, R. means right hand ; l., left hand ; c, center ; d. l., 
door left ; d. c, door center of rear flat, up means to- 
ward back of stage ; down, toward footlights. 



Poor Dear Uncle James! 



ACT I 

SCENE. — A sitting-room in Mrs. Dean's home. In c. 

of rear flat a door hung with a rich plush portiere, 
leading to library. A door l. leading to hall. A 
long table stands at the right center of stage and in 
front of it a luxurious davenport, down r. in cor- 
ner a fireplace, the glow of which only is visible to 
the audience. Bookcases line the walls. A small 
tip-back table is up at extreme l. Chairs, pictures, 
statues, etc., complete the furnishings, all of which 
are in excellent taste. A small table which is used 
for tea in the second act stands down l. DIS- 
COVERED at rise, Vicky and Max, backs to the 
audience, peeking between the portieres and door 
frame into the library. Max is on his knees and 
Vicky on tiptoe stands over him, having made a 
place for herself higher up. 

Vicky (excitedly). He's trying to kiss her! 

Max. Ugh! 

Vicky. But she doesn 't want him to. She — oh 

(Wriggles with excitement) 

Max. Keep still. You're jiggling the curtain and I 
can't see. 

Vicky. Suppose, suppose, Max, he asks her to marry 
him. 

Max. Well. 

5 



6 Poor Dear Uncle James I 

Vicky. He's a lord, you know, a real, live lord. 

Max. I don't care. He's a prune, all the same. 

Vicky (letting go the curtain and facing about) . She 
would be a lady and oh, Max, we 

Max (still at his place). Look! (They watch a mo- 
ment in silence) 

Vicky (wailing), Oh-ho, I'm sure she isn't going to 
have him. 

Max. 'Course she ain't. He's a prune. Didn't I 
tell you she wouldn't have himi Guess I know. 

Vicky. But mamma will die, Max. She has just set 
her heart on a lord. Why, that's why she likes Mr. 
Plummer, because his great-uncle was a count or some- 
thing. 

Max. He's going. Ta-ta. Good-by, Mr. Lord. 
(Jumps up and dances about the room) Ta-ta-ta-ta- 
ta 

Vicky (going to the davenport and sitting down). 
I'm sure I think you're horrid. You don't know what 
it would mean to us if Frances married a truly lord. 

Max. Don't I though? Just don't I! It would 
mean parties, parties, parties, and good manners and 
lots of things on the table and not much to eat and no 
one to play with that was any fun. 

Vicky. I think it would be just grand. I could wear 
my best frock every day and go out riding with mamma 
and have a footman and a coachman and a butler and a 
French maid . 

Max. Ugh. I don't want 'em. 

Vicky. And all the shoes I wanted and white furs 
and rings and 

Max (coming to a sudden conclusion). You're silly. 
You're a girl! 

Vicky. I'm not silly. 

Max. You are. ( With a sigh of regret) You used 
to be loads of fun before you went to that hateful old 
Miss Pratt's school. 

Vicky. You needn't blame it on Miss Pratt. Mamma 
says I'm growing up, that's all. 



*' Poor Dear Uncle James t ? 

Max. Well, that's bad enough, and I don't like you 
half so well growing up. 

Vicky. Well, everybody else likes me better, so there. 
Besides, I can't always be a little girl. 

Max. Growing up makes people silly. 

Vicky. It doesn't. 

Max. It does. 

Vicky. I won't talk with you. 

Max. I don't care. Anyway, I'm glad we lost all 
our money and you had to leave Miss Pratt's. 

Vicky. You're a horrid boy. 

Max. And you can't think much about clothes and 
things because you can't have 'em. {Dancing about) 
Whoop-oo-whee. I'm glad we're poor, I'm glad we're 
poor, I'm glad we're poor. (Vicky chases Mm and tries 
to box his ears) 

ENTER D. L. Mrs. Dean. 

Mrs. Dean. Victoria ! 

Vicky {suddenly remembering her weight of years), 
I'm sorry, mamma. 

Mrs. D. Will you never learn to be ladylike ? Come, 
sit down. Where's your knitting? (Mrs. Dean lan- 
guishes on davenport) 

Vicky. I— I don't know. (Max giggles) 

Mrs. D. {fretfully). Come, Max, don't tease your 
sister. 

Vicky {looking about aimlessly). Where is my 
knitting? 

Max {imitating her). Where is my knitting? 

Mrs. D. No matter now. Find Frances and tell her 
I want to speak with her. 

Vicky {speaking before she thinks). About the lord? 

Mrs. D. {horrified). About the lord ? Child, what do 
you mean ? 

Vicky {abashed). I — I thought 

Max. She — she thought 

Vicky {enraged). I didn't. 



8 Poor Dear Uncle James f 

Max. You did. 

Mrs. D. There, there, go, both of you. {Waving Jier 
hand) 

Max. But you said you thought 

Vicky. I didn't. I said I 

Max. Thought. 

Mrs. D. Go, this minute, both of you. You tire me 
to death with your chatter. 

ENTER D. L. Frances. 

Vicky. Here she is. Here 's Frances ! (Max catches 
Vicky hy the hair and attempts to pull her off l.) Stop, 
stop! You horrid boy. 

Frances. Shall I box his ears, Vick? 

Vicky. It doesn't do one bit of good. 

Mrs. D. {to Frances). Oh, there you are, dear. I 
was just going to send foi' you. {She regards Frances 
closely) 

Frances {sitting beside her mother). Were you? 

Vicky {who is still being tortured). Stop, Max, stop. 
Mother, make 

Mrs. D. Those dreadful children. Max, go out of 
this room. How many times do I have to tell you a 
thing? 

Max. "Well, Vicky's got to go too. 

Mrs. D. Go, Vicky. {They EXIT d. c. jostling each 
other. To Frances) Lord Manners asked you to marry 
him? 

Frances. Yes. 

Mrs. D. And you? 

Frances. I refused him. I don't love him in thq 
least. Why shouldn't I refuse him? 

Mrs. D. He has money, lots of money and we 

Frances {rises). And we are poor. I know. {Walk, 
about) 

Mrs. D. How long are you going to keep th^5 
game up ? 

Frances. What game? 



I^oor JDear Uncle James ! 9 

Mrs. D. Eef using every man who proposes to marry 
you. 

Frances (smilirig). I don't know. 

Mrs. D. Frances, you are exasperating. 

Frances. I know, mother dear, you look upon me as 
a way to riches and I wish, I really do, that I could 
please you. 

Mrs. D. Then marry Mr. Plummer ! 

Frances (laughing). Mr. Plummer! Oh, mother, 
how could you? Besides, he's never asked me. 

Mrs. D. Never asked you? Simply because you've 
never given him the chance. Paul Plummer adores you, 
Frances, and you needn't pretend you don't know it. 
He's worth half a million and his great-uncle was a 
count. 

Frances. But he's so silly, so f-at and s-il-ly. 

Mrs. D. It's all the way you look at it. 

Frances. But no matter how you look at Paul. He 's 
fat, fat, FAT. 

Mrs. D. You are disgusting. Think of his money. 

Frances (closing her eyes). I do, I do, I do. I see 
dollar signs all over him, but they are transparent and 
somehow they don^'t cover up Mr. Plummer at all. 

Mrs. D. And he's so good to you and to us because 
of you. I don't see how you can feel as you do. 

Frances (smiling). I suppose I am a brute. 

Mrs. D. Don't use such expressions. They are posi- 
tively unladylike. (With a sigh) It's beyond me, I 
must admit, whom you are like. 

Frances (sitting beside her mother). Vm. like papa, 
mother dear. He always used strong language and was 
terribly hard to suit — ^that is, you have always told me so. 

Mrs. D. Yes, you are like him and I suppose I must 
bear it. 

Frances. But really, mother, you are not serious 
about Mr. Plummer? You can't think I would marry 
him? 

Mrs. D. (angered). Well, I don't know why. He's 
rich and his great-uncle 



10 Poor Deaf Uncle James 1 

Frances. Yes, and what else 1 

Mrs. D. (near to tears). Oh, you try my patience. 
Don't you see we've got to have money right away. 
Here we are living at Grasmere in October because we 
can 't afford to live in town and helpless, absolutely, with 
only three servants and Max and Vicky growing up and 
not a prospect of anything coming in. {Rises) If only 
your Uncle James had left a will. My dear, he was worth 
a million. {Walking about) No, but he left it all to 
that stupid, insane, senseless wife of his, your Aunt 
Constantine. 

Frances. I never saw Aunt Constantine but once. 

Mrs. D. That was once too often. Of all silly, soft 
women, she is the worst. I simpy couldn't bear to have 
her here. Her presence in the house used to make 
me ill. 

Frances. Poor mother ! 

Mrs. D. Oh, dear, it does seem as if I had been called 
upon to bear the most unbearable things and now you — 
you re-fuse to h-have Mr. Pl-plum-mer. {Weeps) 

Frances. Hush, mother, I didn't say I had refused 
to have him. 

Mrs. D. Oh, you will have him, won't you, my dear, 
for my sake, for their sakes, for the children's sakes and 
for his sake? He isn't very bad, in f-fact sometimes I 
th-think he 's rather hand-s-some. 

Frances {smiling). Oh, he is. There's no doubt 
about it. 

Mrs. D. And I'm sure he'd make you an excellent 
husband. You will give him some encouragement, 
won't you, dearie? {Coaxingly) Dear Mr. Plummer! 
( With a hound from d. c. Max lands in tJie middle of 
the floor and Vicky follows) 

Max {breathless). There's been an accident. A 
man 

Vicky. Ean into 

Max. Our wall. 

Vicky. And, oh, he's hurt awfully and they've sent 
for the doctor. 



Poor Dear Uncle James! 11 

Max. And they 're bringing him in here. 

Mrs.D. Oh! Who is he? 

Frances. Poor thing! I'll go see if I can do any- 
thing. [EXIT Frances d. l., Mrs. Dean following. 

Vicky. I think he broke his arm and he's awfully 

handsome. Oh, dear (Wails) He looks like Sir 

Lancelot, Don't you think he looked like Sir Lancelot, 
what you saw of him, Max? 

Max (with great disgust) . Sir Lancelot! 

Vicky. Well, he looks like a knight anyway. 

Max. You're silly. 

Vicky. I 'm not ! 

Max. You are ! 

ENTER D. L. Mrs. Dean, followed hy Mr. Plummer. 

Mrs.D. {whose voice is sweet as honey). My dear 
Mr. Plummer! How unfortunate you arrived in the 
midst of such confusion, but you can wait a moment, I 
am sure. 

Plummer {taking the chair l.). Oh, yes, Mrs. Dean, 
nothing else to do, don't you know. {She sits on daven- 
port. To Max and Vicky) How de-do? {They shake 
hands, Vicky drops a curtsey) Why, Miss Vicky, you're 
growing prettier every day. I'll say you may beat your 
sister yet. 

Mrs.D. Oh, Mr. Plummer. 

Plummer. That is if such a thing is possible. 

Mrs.D. There, that's better. I'm sure Frances 
would feel quite happy with that last remark. 

Plummer. But tell us all about this — er — this affair 
of the smashed auto. 

Max {excitedly). A guy 

Vicky. A man 

Mrs. D. Hush ! My dear Mr. Plummer, how can we? 
We don't know a thing. A man ran into our stone posts 
and they brought him in here for medical attention. 

Vicky {rapturously) . He's handsome. 

Max. And Frances's up helping the doctor. 

Mrs. D. Yes, the poor dear child is always so willing 



12 Poor Dear Uncle James I 

to help. She took First Aid, you know, under the Red 
Cross and she thinks she can do anything. 

Plummer. She can, by Jove. I believe it. 

Mrs. D. But she'll be down in a minute, I'm sure. 
She was expecting you. 

Plummer. Expecting me? 

Mrs. D. Yes — that is hoping you would come. 

Plummer {who cannot believe his ears). I wonder 
what 

Mrs. D. Yes? 

Plummer. What she could have wanted? 

Mrs. D. Why you, silly boy, of course. 

Plummer {blushing). By Jove! {Yicky giggles) 

Mrs. D. It didn't occur to you, did it? 

Plummer {embarrassed, turns to Vicky). You say 
this fellow's handsome? {Savagely) 

Vicky. Oh, he's simply divine — a really, truly god! 

Max. Vicky's silly. 

Vicky {hotly). I'm not. Mamma, make him stop. 

Mrs. D. Children, children. {Sweetly) 

Vicky. And he was unconscious when they brought 
him in. 

Max. His car's all smashed up. 

Plummer. How strange he should have chosen your 
gates to run against. 

Max. Guess his steering gear gave out. Couldn't 
help himself, poor guy. 

Mrs. D. Go up-stairs, Vicky, and find Frances and 
tell her to come down at once. (EXIT Vicky d. l.) Oh, 
dear, you never know what is going to happen right at 
your very gate. I think it's dreadful. 

Plummer. Oh, now, Mrs. Dean, suppose it had been 
I 

Mrs. D. My dear Mr. Plummer ! 

Plummer. Well, it might have been I. 

Mrs. D. Oh, don't speak of it. I couldn't bear to 
have you hurt against a cruel wall. 

Max {ivith a roar of laughter). He wouldn't get 
hurt. If he struck a wall he'd bounce back. 



Poor Dear Uncle James ! 13 

Mrs. D. Max! {Pause in which Plummer glowers 
at Max) There, Max, go out now and pick up your balls 
and mallets before it rains. 

Max. Rains f The sun is out. 

Mrs.'D. Yes, but the paper said (ENTER d. l. 

Vicky, followed hy Frances) There I (With satisfac- 
tion) 

Frances {shaking hands with Plummer). How do 
you do, Mr. Plummer ? 

Plummer. How is he? 

Frances {sitting). Very comfortable now, but he 
was terribly cut up. 

Mrs. D. Oh, that dreadful man. "Where have they 
put him? When are they going to take him away? 

Frances. He is going to stay here, mother, to-night. 

Mrs. D. Oh, oh, oh, he might be a robber. 

Frances. Mother ! 

Mrs. D. He might steal all our jewels and silver and 
murder us. Something must be done. Can't he go on to 
the hospital? 

Frances. The doctor says no, at least not until he 
knows the extent of his injuries. 

Mrs. D. {losing control of herself and walking about 
the room) . I call it atrocious, yes, I do, and I refuse 

Frances. Mother ! 

Vicky. Oh, please let him stay. He's so handsome. 

Mrs. D. {to Vicky). Go out of this room, you ridicu- 
lous child. 

Frances. Go, Vicky dear. 

Vicky. But you will keep him, won't you? 

Frances. Hush. Go now, and you too, Max. {They 
•go unwillingly d. c.) Now, mother, you've simply got 
to be reasonable. 

Mrs. D. But this, this is beyond all endurance. This 
man 

Frances. Now if it were Mr. Plummer here, hurt and 
bleeding. 

Mrs. D. Mr. Plummer wouldn't get himself into such 
a scrape. 



14 Poor Dear Uncle James I 

Frances. No 1 

Plummer {to Frances). I'd do anything to be First 
Aided by you. Break my neck. 

Frances {playfully). Oh, no, you wouldn't. 

Mrs. D. Don't be foolish, Frances. Oh, dear, dear, 
I'm very sure I can't sleep in this house to-night. Has 
the doctor gone? 

Frances. No, not yet. 

Mrs. D. {starting for the door). Then I must see 
him. I must make arrangements to have that man re- 
moved. 

Frances {holding her by the arm). You will do 
nothing of the kind. I won't allow it. 

Plummer {who has been more or less distressed) . Oh, 
rot, Mrs. Dean, let the poor fellow rest in peace. 

Mrs. D. Then you, IMr. Plummer, you must spend 
the night with us. All we women and children can't 
spend the night here alone with a strange man. Please, 
Mr. Plummer, you will, won 't you, or I shall die ? 

Frances. But, mother, it's all so unnecessary and 
probably will inconvenience Mr. Plummer a great 
deal. 

Plummer. Not at all, not at all. In fact I enjoy the 
prospect. 

Mrs. D. There. Then it's settled and I'm so glad. 
I'll see about your room directly, my dear Mr. Plummer. 

[EXIT D. L. 

Frances. Mother's so excitable. 

Plummer. Don't think of me, Miss Frances. I 'm de- 
lighted to do you any service. 

Frances. I know you are and I appreciate your 
kindness. 

Plummer. I only wish I might have the right to do 
for you always. {Pause, during which he tries to catch 
her hand) May 11 {The curtain at the back moves 
and reveals the eyes of Vicky and Max, but Plummer 
does not see them) 

Frances. Oh, Mr. Plummer, I hoped you wouldn't 
ask me this now. 



Poor Dear Uncle James ! 15 

Plummer. Then you don't love me? I was afraid 
of it. 

Frances (cautiously). It isn't that exactly, but 

Plummer. Then I may hope? Tell me I may hope 
and perhaps in a month, in a year even 

Frances. Yes — yes 

Plummer. You say yes. Ah! (He starts to em- 
brace her hut she moves away gently) Just one kiss to 
seal the promise, my dearest. (Frances submits. As 
he kisses her there is a prolonged smack from the por- 
tiere and the sound of hurrying feet. Plummer turns) 
What, what was that? 

Frances {unmoved). Max, I think. 

Plummer. The rascal. 

Frances. One has to be on the good side of Max, 
else 

Plummer. He needs a thrashing, and I 'd like to give 
it to him. He 's a devil. 

Frances {in a hurt voice). Oh, Mr. Plummer, he's 
my brother, and really he's a dear. Why, he couldn't do 
enough for Mr. Brice after the accident. 

Plummer. Mr. Brice. 

Frances. I forgot to tell you that's the name of the 
man — that dreadful man upstairs on my bed. 

Plummer. Upstairs on your bed? 

Frances. Well, it had to be my bed or no one's. I 
didn't dare to have him put anywhere else. You see, I 
must have had an idea that you were going to stay. Oh, 
he was so hurt. His eyes were closed and he moaned 
when they moved him even gently. 

Plummer. But how, may I ask, did you know his 
name? 

Frances {pulling a card from her belt). His card- 
case fell out of his pocket and I — I picked this up. 
{Reading from card) Mr. Anthony Brice, London, 
England. It isn't a real calling card. He's written on 
a piece of cardboard himself. {Fingering the card and 
smiling to herself) An-tho-ny Brice. I like that, don't 
you? {Looking up at Plummer with a winning smile) 



X6 Poor Dear Uncle James ! 

Plummer {with a frown) . Anthony Brice? No! 

Frances. But why do you scowl so ? 

Plummer. Because I wish Anthony Brice had hit 
any other damn post in America but yours, now do you 
know t 

Frances. Oh, Mr. Plummer! 

Plummer. I'll go to the club and get my duds and 
be back later. You'll be here? 

Frances. Oh, yes, I have to be, you know, in case 
anything happens upstairs. We can't get a nurse, so 
the doctor gave me instructions. Don't look so worried. 
I don't think anything will happen. He looks as if he 
had an awfully strong constitution and he seemed all 
right when I came down. He'll be up and around in 
an hour or so. In fact I'm quite sure he will. {As he 
contimies to frown at her) Per-haps he won't have — 
to stay — here — at all 

Plummer. Damn ! {He turns to go quickly and runs 
against Aunt Constantine, just about to ENTER, and 
knocks her purse from her hand) [EXIT hastily d. l. 

ENTER D. L. Aunt Constantine. 

Aunt Constantine. Oh, what a dreadful man ! My 
dear child, who is he? 

Frances {having rescued the pursCy recognizes her hy 
pictures she has seen) . My Aunt Constantine ! 

Aunt C. There! The child actually knows me! 
Your poor dear Uncle James said no one who had ever 
seen me could forget me. Kiss me, pet. (Frances 
kisses her. They sit on the davenport) 

Frances. I 'm glad to see you, Aunt Constantine ! 

Aunt C. Most people are. I guess, as your poor dear 
Uncle James used to say, it's because I'm so glad to see 
myself. 

Frances {pulling hell cord). I don't remember 
Uncle James at all. 

Aunt C. Yes, I know, and that's what makes me 
feel so. {Wipes her eyes) If there's anything James 
would have liked it would have been to be remembered. 



Poor Dear Uncle James ! 17 

ENTER D. c. Susan. 

Frances. Tell Mrs. Dean that Mrs. Davenport is 
here. [EXIT Susan d. c. 

Aunt C. I guess your mother will be surprised. I 
haven't been here for ten years. The last time I was 
here your poor dear Uncle James nearly died of loneli- 
ness and I said then I'd never leave him again, and I 
never did. 

Frances. We have heard so little from you. 

Aunt C. I know, but there it is, and I do intend to 
see more of you now. In fact {Very mysteriously) I've 
a fine scheme that I know you'll welcome. {Suddenly) 
You're not engaged to be married, my dear? 

Frances. No-o. 

Aunt C. Ah, then everything is fine. And it's such 
an idea. I had it all myself, but then your poor dear 
Uncle James always said I had just the most wonderful 
ideas. 

Frances. Does — does the scheme concern me. Aunt 
Constantine ? 

Aunt C. Vitally, my dear. In fact it all depends 
on you. 

ENTER D. L. Mrs. Dean. 

Mrs. D. {rushing to Constantine). Constantine! 
{Embraces Iter) 

Aunt C. Clara! 

Mrs. D. Why didn't you let me know you were com- 
ing so that I could make some preparations ? 

Aunt C. Why, Clara dear, I wouldn't have you put 
yourself out for the world. Besides, I 've come for a spe- 
cial purpose and I wanted to surprise you. I made up 
my mind several days ago, although I've been thinking 
things over for a long time {Wipes her eyes), ever since 
poor dear James died. 

Mrs. D. He was such a husband ! 



18 Poor Dear Uncle James ! 

Aunt C. Yes, such a husband! 

Mrs. D. Poor dear James ! 

Aunt C. And so good to me and kind. 

Mrs. D. Yes, so kind. 

Aunt C. And so I thought that he ought to be re- 
membered — not that he wouldn't be, of course, by us, 
Clara, but I wanted him to be remembered by the chil- 
dren. 

Mrs. D. I have always kept his name before them, 
Constantine. 

Aunt C. Yes, but you understand what I mean, and 
so — where are the children? 

Mrs. D. Frances, call the children. They are on the 
porch. [EXIT Frances d. l. 

Aunt C. {looking after Frances). Isn't she beauti- 
ful? 

Mrs. D. {with a sigh). Yes, but so contrary. 

Aunt C. Contrary, Clara ? That beautiful creature ! 
"What do you mean? 

Mrs. D. Well, I mean she is so hard to suit and has 
such notions about men. 

Aunt C. {heartily). I'm glad she has, because 

ENTER D. L. Frances, Vicky and Max. Vicky and 
Max greet Aunt Constantine. 

Aunt C. Vicky ! Well, my stars, you're really quite 
as lovely as your sister. 

Vicky {na'iveUj). That's what every one says. 

Frances {shocked). Vicky! 

Aunt C. Sit down, do. (Vicky and Max sit beside 
her on the davenport. Frances sits in chair r. of tahle) 
I 've just been telling your mother, dears, that I Ve a de- 
lightful surprise for you. It's to be in memory of your 
poor dear Uncle James. {Wipes eyes) — the best man 
in the world and not to be forgotten. {Gives a little sob 
in her handkerchief) But there, I suppose you're 
anxious for me to begin. {She looks at Frances) 



Poor Dear Uncle James! 19 

Upon Frances' wedding day, you; my dear children, are 
to receive one hundred thousand a piece in mem 

Max. Whoop-hce ! 

Vicky. 0-oh! 

Mrs. D. Constantine! (A moment^s pause) Let 
me kiss you ! (Kisses her heartily) There, I feel better. 
You are too good — too good. 

Aunt C. (elated at her importance). And 3^ou, 
Frances, dear child, will receive five hundred thousand 
in 

Frances. Oh, Aunt Constantine! (Mrs. Dean rushes 
at Aunt Constantine again hut she holds up her hand 
warningly) 

Aunt C. Wait! (Silence) All this is provided the 
man she marries would in my estimation suit your poor 
dear Uncle James. 

Frances. Oh, Aunt Constantine. 
[EXIT D. L. quickly, not knowing what else to do and 
realizing she has only gotten from one difficulty into 
another. 

Aunt 0.(much surprised). What is the matter with 
the child? 

Mrs. D. There, there. She's a bit worked up. She'll 
be all right in a minute. Vicky, run and find her. 
(EXIT D. L. Vicky) To tell the truth, she hasn't been 
very well lately and has things on her mind, you know. 

Aunt C. But this, surely this oughtn't to upset her. 

Mrs. D. It doesn't. Oh, dear, for my part, I don't 
know what is the matter with her. 

Aunt C. But she told me she wasn't engaged — that 
she had nobody. 

Max (suddenly). I guess she's afraid her taste and 
Uncle James' won't agi'ee. 

Mrs. D. (horrified). Max! 

Aunt C. Well there, since it's all done in memory of 
poor, dear James, I feel he ought to be suited in the 
matter. 

Mrs. D. Most certainly ; and things will come out all 
right. 



20 Poor Dear Uncle James ! 

ENTER D. L. Vicky. 

Vicky. She won't come back, and she's crying, oh, 
awfully. [EXIT ivitli Max d. c. 

Mrs. D. There, the poor child is .overcome with such 
an offer. You may depend upon it. 

Aunt C. Let me go to her. {She rushes to d. l. and 
once again humps against Plummer ENTERING, and 
with even more violence than before) Oh, that dreadful 
man again. 

Plummer {beginning to think his entrance into the 
Dean living-room means inevitable disaster). Oh, I beg 
your pardon. {He turns hastily and flees) 

Aunt C. Who is that dreadful man? He appears 
and disappears mysteriously in the vicinity of this door- 
way. 

Mrs. D. {going to her). There, there, he has hurt 
you. Come, let's go upstairs and have a quiet chat 
{Taking her arm) you and I. 

Aunt C. {quite forgetful of Plummer and the bump). 
Yes, yes. I do so want to tell you about poor, dear 
James! [EXIT Mrs. Dean and Aunt Constantine d. c. 

ENTER D. L. Frances. She walks over to the davenport 
and sits down, her chin in hand, contemplating the 
fire. It is evident she has been crying. 

ENTER D. L. Brice. 

Price. I hope I'm not intruding, but I had to find 
somebody. 

¥uAi^G^s {starting up) . Mr. Brice! You — j^ou ought 
not to be down here. 

Brice. Why, my injuries are nothing, nothing at all. 

Frances. Oh, but you don't know. Please sit down. 
{She pushes a chair forward and he sits) 

Brice. Thank you. 

Frances. The doctor says you must stay here until 
to-morrow. 



Poor Dear Uncle James! 21 

Brice. The doctor is over cautious. He has fright- 
ened you. 

Frances (slyly). Well, he's our doctor, and we al- 
ways obey him. 

Brice. I see, and so I must not break the precedence. 
But tell me, please, with whom I have the pleasure of 
talking? You remember I was brought into this very 
hospitable house quite unconscious of all your kindness. 

Frances. I am Frances Dean, the most unfortunate 
member of this unfortunate family. 

Brice {regarding lier ivith admiration). But you are 
not unfortunate. You — you couldn't be. 

Frances. I am. My Aunt Constantine, because we 
are poor and dependent and she is rich and tyrannical, 
has made up her mind to choose a husband for me. 

Brice. Oh! {Pause) So the man in this very un- 
usual case must suit Aunt Constantine. {Dreamily) I 
wonder what her taste in men really is ? 

Frances. I know. He must have a bald head and 
fat cheeks and pudgy hands and be just too awful. 

Brice {with a great sigJi). Alas! 

Frances. You are laughing at me. 

Brice {ivith emphasis). Never! In fact, I feel like 
doing anything but laughing. 

Frances {misinterpreting him). You feel ill? 

Brice {with a greater sigh). No-o. 

Frances. But don't be worried about yourself. 
Everything is coming out all right, I am sure. 

Brice. Oh, no, it isn't. 

Frances {anxiously). Why not? 

Brice. Because I will never be fat and my hair is 
shockingly thick. 

Frances. You are laughing. 

Brice. Why shouldn 't I ? You are fooling me. 

Frances {earnestly). No, no, really. Every word I 
have said is the truth. 

Brice. Forgive me, then. It is all so much like the 
old fairy tales, you know; or perhaps I am a little off 
si^'ce my accident. 



22 Poor Dear Uncle James ! 

Frances (sweetly). I wish yon would go "apstairs 
and rest. Snppose anj^thing shonld happen to you ? 

Brice. But nothing more will. Don 't you see I 'm so 
ashamed of myself already for damages done that I 
wouldn't have the heart to do anything more. 

Frances. You haven't done any damages. 

Brice. Oh, yes. I smashed your post. 

Frances. Mr. Brice. 

Brice. And I upset your whole household, besides 
putting my dusty shoes on your bedspread. 

Frances. Don 't say such things ! 

Brice. Tell me, please, about Aunt Constantine. 
Does she know I 'm here ? 

Frances. No. You see, she has just arrived, and we 
were all so excited about her news. 

Brice. Naturally. But you will tell her about the 
accident? You see, I thought I might get her pity, and 
pity, as the poets say, is akin to love. 

Frances (playfully). But suppose I don't care 
whether 

Brice. Then I wish I had died at your gates. At 
least, I should have died happily. 

Frances. Poor boy! (Smiles at Jiim) Now won't 
you please go upstairs and rest ? 

Brice. Did I behave very badly when they set my 
arm? 

Frances. You were wonderful. Even Dr. Stevens 
said that, and he's terribly hard-hearted. 

Brice. But I had to be. I didn't dare howl, and 
then I saw you, the first one when I opened my eyes, and, 
well — I felt happy, that's all. 

Frances. But how did it happen ? 

Brice. Runnings into the post, you mean? It does 
sound rather wild, doesn't it? 

Frances. My small brother thought perhaps the 
steering gear 

Brice. ^ No, the ear skidded. I lost all control of it. 
I didn't know a thing until I opened my eyes and (Looks 
at her adoringly) you were there. 



Poor Dear Uncle James I 23 

Frances. And you were going to ? 

Brice. To Boston. My steamer sails in three days. 

Frances {with a tinge of regret). You are going 
across ? 

Brice. Going home to England. 

Frances {taking enjoyment in the supposition). But 
suppose you aren 't able ? Suppose the doctor 

Brice. I wish he would. Nothing would make me 
happier. 

Frances. Don't say that. 

Brice. Why not ? I mean it. 

Frances. Because — oh 

Brice. Wouldn 't it make you the least bit happy ? 

Frances. Oh, don't. You don't know. You don't 

understand. Please (ENTER Mrs. Dean d. l. 

Awkward pause while Mrs. Dean glowers) This is Mr. 
Brice, mother. (Mrs. Dean hows stiffly) 

Mrs. D. So you are able to go. 

Frances. No, he isn't. In fact, he ought not to be 
downstairs. He's disobedient. 

Mrs. D. {ignoring the last remark). I came for you, 
Frances. Aunt Constantine wishes to see you at once in 
her room. Come. 

Frances {to Brice). Sit by the fire, Mr. Brice. 
{She gets him a pillow from the davenport and moves up 
the chair to the blaze) Sit here, and don't do anj^thing 
rash like falling into the flames and getting burned up, 
will you? {As she hands him the pillow their eyes meet 
and hoth smile) 

Mrs. D. {who has moved toward d. l. and waits impa- 
tiently). Frances. 

Frances. Yes, mother. 

Mrs. D. {icily). Aunt Constantine is waiting. 

Frances. Yes, mother. {To Brice) Aunt Constan- 
tine is a tyrant. {She starts to go) 

Brice {calling after her). Miss Dean! 

Frances. Yes ! 

Brice. How can a thin man get fat ? 

Frances. Oh, lots of ways. Oatmeal » 



24 Poor Dear Uncle James ! 

Brice. Maj^ I have some for my supper? 
Frances. I '11 bring you a big bowl of it. 

[EXIT D. L. with Mrs. Dean 

ENTER D. c. Vicky and Max sJiijly. 

Vicky {in a whisper). Isn't he wonderful? 

Max. Hulloa, sir ! 

Brice (starting). Hulloa, laddie! (Elegantly to 
Vicky) How do you do, mademoiselle? (Rises and 
hows) 

Vicky (delighted). How do you do? 

Brice. Will you be seated? (Vicky sits on 'daven- 
port. Max perches on the arm of it and Brice sits) 

Max. You're a Britisher. 

Vicky (with awe). A Londoner! 

Brice. I 'm all that and more. 

Vicky (solicitously). Did you hurt yourself very 
much ? 

Max (contemptuously) . 'Course he did. You don't 
suppose anyone could run into a stone post and not get 
hurt, do you? 

Brice. Mademoiselle is surprised to see me alive. 
That's all. 

Vicky. But you did look dead, and I — I felt so sorry. 

Max. She cried. 

Brice. Thank you. I appreciate your sympathy. 

Max. But when she heard you w^ere well she cried, 
too. 

Brice. That's strange. 
. Vicky (saving herself). But that — that was for joy. 

Brice. Ah, I see. 

Max. It wasn't. You were afraid he'd go away then. 

Brice. You are kind, mademoiselle, very kind. I'm 
glad there 's someone wants me to stay, for it seems I 've 
got to, until morning. 

Max. I'm glad. 

Brice. Two glad. Two against? 



Poor Dear Uncle James ! 25 

Max {counting on his fingers). One — two — three — 
four 

Vicky {wlio has been counting too). Where do you 
get the fourth ? 

Max. Mr. Plummer. 

Vicky. Oh! 

Brice. And who is Mr. Plummer f 

Max. He's a friend of Frances' and he's come here 
to protect us. 

Brice. To protect you? 

Max. Um-um. 

Brice. From what? From whom? 

Max. From you. 

Vicky. Oh, Max! 

Max. Well, mother thought you might rob us, you 
know, and all that rot. 

Vicky. But she hadn't seen you then. I'm sure she 
wouldn 't think it now. 

Brice (smiling). So I'm a robber, am I? 

Max. I think robbers and brigands are great. 
Couldn't you be one? 

Brice. I might, but what would I steal ? 

Max. Oh, everything. 

Vicky (with a sigh). We haven't much to steal, I 
guess, unless joii wanted to steal one of us. 

Brice. Oh, that would be delightful. 

Max. Brigands do steal people ; kidnap 'em. 

Brice. But my car is out of commission. 

Max. Take ours. I say, why not? I'm awfully 
tired of this place. 

Vicky (getting excited in turn). But he didn't say 
he wanted to steal you. Perhaps he has someone in mind 
that he does want to steal. 

Max (to Brice). Have you? 

Brice. I suppose I must tell the truth. 

Max. Nothing else goes. 

Brice. Well, I have. Someone I want to steal most 
awfully. 

Vicky (excited). Who? 



26 Poor Dear Uncle James ! 

Max. I know. Frances. 

Brice. Clever boy. How did you guess it ? 

Max. Oh, because everyone wants her. But you'll 
never get her. 

Brice. Now that's awfully unkind. You make me 
lose heart at the very beginning. 

Max. But Vicky and I are going to help you. 

Brice. That's jolly kind of you. Just how are you 
going about it? 

Vicky. By getting Mr. Plummer out of the way. 

Brice. But you don 't mean ; you can 't mean that this 
Mr. Plummer is the only obstacle ? 

Vicky. Just at present he is, because Frances has 
sent all the others away. Why, this afternoon she re- 
fused Lord Manners, a really, truly lord. 

Brice. Ah, then, in that case, I have no chance, no 
chance at all. 

Vicky. Oh, yes you have. You 're handsome, and he, 
well, he 

Max. He's a prune. 

Brice. But I'm interested. Just how are you going 
to get Mr. Plummer out of the way ? 

Vicky. You know it's Aunt Constantine we have to 
please. 

Brice. Yes, I know. 

Max. So we are going to tell Mr. Plummer just 'the 
opposite of what she really likes. ^ 

Brice. But suppose she changes her mind when she 
sees him ? 

Vicky. Oh, no, she won't, because she really hasn't 
any mind to change — mother said so. 

Brice. I see. 

Max. And poor old Plummer will dress and act just 
as we tell him and think he is pleasing Aunt Constan- 
tine ; oh-ho, oh-ho, what a lark ! 

Brice. You can't be very fond of Mr. Plummer. 

Max. No ! He 's a lemon ! 

Brice. I see. Lord Manners is a prune and Mr. 
Plummer is a lemon. Now what, pray, am I ? 



Poor Dear Uncle James ! 27 

Vicky (quite unaware of her wit). Oh, you're a 
peach. 

Brice. Thank you, mademoiselle. 

Max. Pretty good, Vicky, for a girl. 

Brice. But aren't you going to find out for me just 
what kind of a man Aunt Constantine really likes? 

Max. Of course we are. 

Brice. That's the lad. You and I are pals, aren't 
we ? I suppose you wouldn 't sit on my knee ? 

Vicky. Oh, yes, he would. He sits on mother 's knee 
sometimes when no one is around. 

Max. I don't. 

Brice. Well, I suppose your feet might touch the 
floor and that would be embarrassing. 

ENTER D. L. Frances. Brice rises. 

Frances. Are they bothering you ? 

Brice. Not at all. We're excellent friends. Please 
stay with us. 

Frances. IVe come down to send you back to your 
invalid's couch. 

Brice. You wouldn't be so cruel. 

Frances. Oh, I can be terribly cruel sometimes. 
Max knows; but I'm not going to be cruel at all this 
time because I 'm going to sit by you and read until you 
go to sleep. 

Brice. Then you will read forever, for I'll never be 
such a fool as to fall asleep in your delightful company. 

Frances. Stop making pretty speeches and mind 
what I say. Max has to, doesn't he, Vick? 

Vicky. Oh, yes, indeed. 

Brice. Very well. 

Max. I wouldn't if I were you. She can't spank 
you. 

Frances. Oh, yes, I can. You must remember he's 
very weak from injuries, at least he ought to be, but he 
won't confess it. Besides, I've arranged the cosiest 
place by the window. 



28 Poor Dear Uncle James! 

Brice. And you promise to sit by me like a dutiful 
nurse ? 

Frances. Like a dutiful nurse. {Leads him to d. l.) 

Brice. Very well, I'll go. {To Max) Don't forget 
our agreement, laddie. 

Max. You bet not. 

[EXEUNT D. L. Brice and Frances 

Vicky. Isn 't he lovely ? He is just like a knight. 

Max. He's better. 

Vicky {reluctantly). Yes, he's better. 

ENTER D. c. Aunt Constantine. 

Aunt C. Here you are, dearies. Come and kiss me. 
{They do so, Max reluctantly) 

Max. Oh, I say. Aunt Constantine, I want to ask you 
something. 

Aunt C. Yes? 

Max. What kind of a man do you like the best ? 

Vicky. Say prefer. 

Max. Shan 't. It 's the same thing. 

Aunt C. The kind of a man I like best. Ah, my 
dear, you don't remember your poor dear Uncle James. 

Max. Well, that is, I mean what kind of man you'd 
like Frances to marry. You wouldn't want him to be 
fat, would you? 

Aunt C. Oh, dear, no ; not too fat. Your poor dear 
Uncle James always said an obese man was an outrage. 

Vicky. You'd prefer him to be slender and graceful, 
wouldn't you? 

Aunt C. Yes, but if he wasn't too fat 

Vicky. With a moustache? 

Aunt C. Never! If there's anything — and your 
poor dear Uncle James agreed with me — if there's any- 
thing I detest it's a moustache, the kind they wear 
nowadays, the senseless, turned-up ones the men seem to 
admire. (Vicky and Max exchange glances) 

Mrs. B. {calling without). Constantine! 

Aunt C. Yes, Clara, I'm coming. 



Poor Dear Uncle James ! 29 

[EXIT Aunt Const antine d. l. Vicky and Max stand 
face to face for a moment, regarding each other 
earnestly 
Vicky. A turiied-up moustache and a fat face. 

Where is Mr. Plummer ? 



CURTAIN 



ACT II 

SCENE.— ^ame as Act I. DISCOVERED— Mrs. Dean, 

nervously pacing floor. 

ENTER D. L. Aunt Constantine, very excited. 

Aunt C. (confronting Mrs. Dean). My dear Clara, 
what does it mean, what does it mean? 

Mrs. D. (not comprehending, and alarmed at her man- 
ner). Why, Constantine, what is the matter? 

Aunt C. You — you don't know? You stand there 
and tell me you don 't know ? 

Mrs. D. Constantine, what are you saying? Calm 
yourself. 

Aunt C. Calm myself? Never, until I find out, till 
I sift things to the bottom. Not a stone shall be left un- 
turned out of respect to poor dear James ! 

Mrs. D. {desperately) . What are you talking about? 

Aunt C. You, Clara, you stand there and face me 
and say you do not know that a man, a strange man, is 
at this moment in your daughter's room? 

Mrs. D. {who has forgotten the accident). Oh — oh, 
my smelling salts. No. {Falls on couch) 

Aunt C. Do you deny it ? Do you deny that you are 
unaware of the goings on in this house ? No, you cannot 
be, and I will have an explanation. 



30 Poor Dear Uncle James I 

Mrs. D. (helplessly) . Oh, Constantine, yon have gone 
mad ! 

Aunt C. {appreciating the dramatic part of it). No, 
I have become sane. Before I was mad. As I passed 
yonr daughter 's room 

Mrs. D. (wildly). Which daughter? 

Aunt C. Prances, of course. I saw sitting by the 
window and wrapped in a blanket, a man, and a hand- 
some man at that. His arm, yes, I recall distinctly, his 
arm was in a sling. 

Mrs. D. {the light dawning upon her, hut not daring 
to speak the truth). Oh — oh, Constantine, you are mis- 
taken. It could not be. Your eyes deceived you. 
There is no man here except Mr. Plummer, and his room 
is at the other end of the hall. 

Aunt C. Plummer? And who is Plummer? And 
what is he doing here ? 

Mrs. D. I asked him to stay because {Realiz- 
ing she has got herself into trouble) 

Aunt C. {mercilessly). Yes — because-- — 

Mrs. D. Oh, Constantine, you are cruel. I asked him 
to stay because he didn 't have anywhere else to stay ; no 
home, no 

Aunt C. Didn't have anywhere else to stay. How 
strange! How very strange. What would poor dear 
James say to hear this? {Wipes eyes) I come into this 
house to do you a favor. I am met at the threshold of 
your living-room by a young man who almost knocks me 
down and who instead of apologizing escapes so quickly 
I have no chance to get so much as one look at his face. 
Then, oh worse, far worse, you tell me my eyes deceive 
me — my eyes — that poor dear James always said were 
the most beautiful and the keenest eyes in the world. 
Ah, Clara, how can you deceive me so? Who is that 
man? 

Mrs. D. (desperately) . Which man? 

Aunt C. (gloating over her victim). So you admit 
there are two. 

Mrs. D. No — yes — that is, you say there are. 



Poor Dear Uncle James! 31 

Aunt C. Clara, this is awful. Send for Frances. 
She must explain for herself. I cannot bear to hear you 
go on. If Frances is married, why don 't you say so ? 

Mrs. D. But she isn't, she isn't, she isn't! 

Aunt C. Clara, then why is that man 

Mrs. D. Oh, I don't know what you are talking 
about. 

Aunt C. Yes you do, Clara, yes you do. 

Mrs. D. It must have been Frances that you saw, or 
Max; yes, yes, Max, of course. He often sits up in 
Frances' room by the window and he likes to play pirate 
and wrap himself in a blanket. 

Aunt C. But, Clara, Max has a pug nose, decidedly. 
This man, this stranger, I say, for I have never seen him 
before, had a long, straight nose; yes, I suppose one 
would say a very beautiful nose. 

Mrs. D. But, Constantine, in the dusk a nose looks 
almost anything. 

Aunt C. Ah, Clara, but it never loses its contour. 
Even in the dusk a pug nose is a pug nose, just the same. 
You cannot deny it, Clara, you cannot. 

Mrs. D. I think you are dreadful to insinuate things 
about us. 

Aunt C. But, Clara, be reasonable. Naturally I 
would inquire about such a thing. 

Mrs. D. (stuhhornhj) . But there's nothing to inquire 
about. 

Aunt C. Nothing to inquire about? Nothing to in- 
quire about when a young man is found in 

Mrs. D. (shrieking) . Oh! you insult me. 

Aunt C. (near to tears). You insult me, and, what is 
worse, you insult the memory of poor dear James. 
(Both soh) If — if you are so p-positive there is no one 
there 

Mrs. D. I didn't say there was no one there. 

Aunt C. Well, you said it was Max. 

Mrs. D. No I didn't. (Hysterically) 

Aunt C. Why, Clara ! 

Mrs. D. Oh, you have made me say things I didn't 



32 Poor Dear Uncle James ! 

mean to say. You have made me. {Buries Jiead in 
cushion) 

Aunt C. Come, let us go up and find out for our- 
selves, and if I am wrong, Clara, I will make amends, 
yes, generous amends, to you. Come. 

Mrs. D. No, I will not. 

Aunt C. Ah, then that proves 

Mrs. D. {fairly shrieking). It proves nothing, noth- 
ing at all. 

Aunt C. {half weeping). Yes, it does. It proves 
that my eyes, that poor dear James so admired, are not 

to be depended upon, or else Oh, Clara, I hate to 

say it. It proves you are a deceiver and a liar. 

Mrs. D. {shrieking). Oh! 

Aunt C. Will you come up with me, Clara? 

Mrs. D. Oh no ! 

Aunt C. Then I shall go myself. I am sorry this 
has come about. I must say I never thought of such an 
ending to our happy meeting. You will regret this, 
Clara. Once more I ask, have you anything to say ? 

Mrs. D. No-o ! 

Aunt C. Very well, then, I am going. [EXIT d. l. 

ENTER D. c. Frances. 

Frances {seeing her mother sobbing hysterically). 
Why, mother dear, what is the matter? 

Mrs. D. Oh, everything is spoiled, spoiled, I say, and 
all because of that dreadful man and his automobile, or 
that stone post or the wet road, or anything. The thing 
is the fates are against us, and we shall have to live in 
poverty on little or nothing and stay on here at Grasmere 
with three servants and give up everything. 

Frances. Mother ! 

Mrs. D. {beginning to pace the floor again). It's 
true, only too true. I wish it wasn't, and we might have 
had so much. My dear child, my poor child, and my 
poor Vicky, and my poor dear Max. 



Poor Dear Uncle James ! 33 

Frances. Mother, you sound like Aunt Constantine. 
I wish we were all dead. 

Mrs. D. We might as well be and that dreadful man 
is the cause of it. 

Frances. Don 't say that. Please explain, because he 
isn 't dreadful at all, but very nice. 

Mrs. D. Aunt Constantine has seen him, and in your 
room, and now 

Frances. And you didn't explain? 

Mrs.D. No, no, I didn't. I was afraid she wouldn't 
believe me if I told her. 

Frances. Mother, the truth always comes out at last, 
and why not tell it at first ? Oh, what have you done to 
him? 

Mrs. D. To him? To us, you mean. I don't care 
about him. The sooner he's out of this house the bet- 
ter. 

Frances. But he isn't going to be out; at least not 
until to-morrow. 

Mrs. D. Oh, why has this come upon us? As if we 
didn 't have enough to bear already. 

Frances. Hush. Go upstairs and get quieted and I 
will see Aunt Constantine here and explain everything. 
We must tell her the truth and then if she doesn't believe 
us — but she will. Come. {Leads her motlier gently to- 
ward D. c.) Don't feel so bad, mother dear. I'm sure 
she'll understand. I'll show his auto all smashed, and 
then the children will back us up. (ENTER d. l. Aunt 
Constantine) Here's Aunt Constantine now. Now, 
you do just as I say. 

Mrs. D. {intending Aunt Constantine sliall hear). 
She has almost killed me, but I am willing to forgive her ; 
yes, I am willing to forgive her. [EXIT d. l. 

Frances {turning to Aunt Constantine). Poor 
Aunt Constantine, what a dreadful time you have had, 
and all about nothing. 

Aunt C. Nothing? You call it nothing to find 

Frances. Let me explain. 

Aunt C. {sitting). Well, out of respect to the mem- 



34 Poor Dear Uncle James ! 

cry of your poor dear Uncle James, I hope it will be a 
better explanation than the one your mother just gave. 

Frances {taking Aunt Constantine's hand). Poor 
mother. She was so afraid she would offend you. 

Aunt C. Offend me? She didn't sound that way. 
What she didn't say about me she insinuated. 

Frances. There, there, you want to know who that 
very handsome young man is, and I 'm going to tell you. 

Aunt C. I feel it my duty to know, out of respect to 
your poor dear Uncle James. 

Frances. Of course you do. Well, he is Mr. An- 
thony Brice {Lingeringly) and he was riding past our 
house about two hours ago when his car skidded and he 
hit the stone post and was brought in here unconscious, 
and oh, awfully shaken up. ( Winningly) You couldn't 
blame us for playing the good Samaritan, could you, 
Aunt Constantine? 

Aunt C. My dear, it's a strange story, an unusual 
story, but I believe you. You have eyes like your 
father and like {Wipes Iter own) your poor dear Uncle 

James, and when I look into them There, forgive 

me, but it is enough to say I believe you. {Kisses her) 

Frances. Thank you. 

Aunt C. You are a good girl, and I do want you to 
have a good husband, for I know your poor dear Uncle 
James would have loved you. I suppose you think I am 
terribly fussy, now, don 't you ? 

Frances. I hope you aren't. But, Aunt Constan- 
tine, I haven't said I would accept your offer yet. 

Aunt C. Accept my offer? Of course you will, you 
ridiculous child. We'll have no more talk on that sub- 
ject. The thing is I want you to send for all your 
suitors. 

Frances. All my suitors? 

Aunt C. Yes, I hear you have a great many. 

Frances. Oh, but not now. 

Aunt C. What do you mean? I don't understand 
you, child. 

Frances. Well, I have refused all of them except 



Poor Dear Uncle James ! 35 

one, and I would have refused him but mother made a 
fuss. 

Aunt C. Tut, tut, you are too particular. It doesn 't 
pay, my dear. Learn from those older and wiser. 
Pretty soon you will be an old maid, and then you can 't 
afford to be fussy at all, and maybe you will be glad to 
take the worst of them. 

Frances. But I prefer to be an old maid if I can't 
marry the one I want. 

Aunt C. Tut, tut, no nonsense. You mean to tell 
me, child, you have reached the age of twenty-two and 
never yet seen the man you could marry. Tell the truth 
now. 

Frances. I hadn 't until — that is until 

Aunt C. There, now, I know you're fibbing. Your 
mother tells me there is a young man staying at the 
house here now, a Mr. Plummer. 

Frances. Oh, yes, Mr. Plummer. 

Aunt C. Who is very fond of you. Now, my dear, 
I'm going to be frank. If I like this Plummer, and 
probably I will, I am going to see to it that you marry 
him. It's very plain you need someone to advise you 
now and then, else you'd never make up your mind. 

Frances. But suppose you find you don't like Mr. 
Plummer ? 

Aunt C. (confidently). Oh, I will find others to 
choose from. Why didn't you just confirm my opinion 
that there's a man upstairs, a handsome man. 

Frances. Oh, you dear Aunt Constantino! (Kisses 
Ifier) 

Aunt C. There, and if he doesn't suit, there's plenty 
more. My dear, I might as well tell you I am going to 
put them one and all through a hard test. Your poor 
dear Uncle James would have wished it. He himself was 
very abstemious, temperate in all things and honest to 
the cent, and I intend this man whom you marry shall be 
all of this. 

Frances (dreamily) . I'm sure he is. 

Aunt C. And I shall put him to the test. I have 



36 Poor Dear Uncle James! 

decided on the fost course. I shall leave my emerald 
pendant right here in plain sight on the living-room 
couch as if it had dropped from my chain 

Frances. Oh, Aunt Constantine, I am afraid I shall 
be tempted too. It is such a lovely thing. I 'm afraid if 
he takes it I shall be his accomplice. 

Aunt C. Is the man upstairs able to walk? 

Frances. Yes, and he has a habit of wandering all 
over the house. He's terribly disobedient. 

Aunt C. So much the better. 

Frances. I think he must live in a castle in England. 
He wants so much room. (Aunt Constantine takes off 
pendant and places it on the couch near the arm) 

Aunt C. There; he can't help seeing it; and if he 
knows anything he '11 know it 's valuable. 

Frances. But suppose neither one takes it. {Begin- 
ning to enjoy it all as a joke) 

Aunt C. Then in that case they are tie and I shall 
put forth my other tests. 

ENTER D. c. Susan. 

Susan. Mr. Brice would like to speak with you, Miss 
Frances, 

Frances. Tell him I will come. (EXIT d. c. Susan) 
Oh, dear, he's the worst invalid I ever knew. {She is de- 
lighted, and starts to go) 

Aunt C. Give him a little paregoric and put him to 
sleep. I warrant he won't bother you then, the monster. 

Frances. Oh, I couldn't do that. He'd never wake 
up in time to see the emerald, and then Mr. Plummer 
would get it. 

Aunt C. You saucy child. Tell me, who is that 
pretty maid, the one who just came in ? 

Frances. That's Susan. Isn't she cute? 

Aunt C. Yes, but is she clever? 

Frances. Clever? Why, yes, she dusts beautifully 
and tends the door. 



Poor Dear Uncle James ! 37 

Aunt C. No, no; I mean could she act a bit, maybe? 

Frances. Act ? 

Aunt C. Yes ; that is, could she play a part? 

Frances. Oh. Well, really, I don't know, but she 
looks as if she might do anything, and she's terribly 
popular. 

Aunt C. That's good. Run along now and attend to 
that monster. I don 't know what he can want unless he 
thinks he's going to die, and wants you near. Poor dear 
James used to think so a hundred times before he actu- 
ally did. [EXIT D. L. Frances 

ENTER D. c. Plummer. His face is made up to look 
much fatter than it is, and he wears perched coyly 
upon his upper lip a turned-up moustache. Aunt 
Constantine looks at him a moment in silence. 

Plummer. Er — how do you do? I believe I have the 
honor of speaking with Mrs. Davenport? 

Aunt C. You have, sir. 

Plummer. I am Mr. Plummer. Perhaps Mrs. Dean 
has mentioned me to you? 

Aunt C. I believe she did say something about a Mr. 
Plummer, a friend of Miss Frances. 

Plummer {with a great sigh). I wish I might say I 
was something more than a friend. 

Aunt C. And you are staying here? Pray be seated. 
{He sits) 

Plummer. For to-night. Mrs. Dean begged me to 
stay with them, being a little timid and nervous after the 
accident this afternoon. Indeed she worked herself up 
to quite a pitch and vowed the harmless young fellow up- 
stairs was a robber, so I offered my services in case any- 
thing did happen. Not that I think the poor chap is 
a robber. He looks honest enough, but you never can 
tell. 

Aunt C {with emphasis). No, you can never tell 
about any one by their looks, and it's well you can't 
sometimes. 



38 Poor Dear Uncle James I 

Plummer (anxious to please Tier). I'm sure yon are 
as good in character as you are in looks, Mrs. Davenport. 

Aunt C. (falling into the trap). Thank you, Mr. 
Plummer. My poor dear James used to say such nice 
things to me (Wipes her eyes) but no one has since he 
died and so you must excuse the tears. 

Plummer. Now I'm sorry. I have made you weep. 

Aunt C. Oh, no, don't be sorry. I love to be re- 
minded of poor dear James and to weep. It always 
gives me pleasure. 

Plummer. Ah, yes, I can imagine how dreary life 
must be without the one you love best in all the world. 

Aunt C. You have yet to learn, young man. But, 
then, not many women have had such a husband as was 
poor dear James. I am not exaggerating, Mr. Plummer, 
when I say he was an ideal husband. 

Plummer. And you, I '11 warrant, were an ideal wife. 

Aunt C. Oh, Mr. Plummer. 

Plummer. But I am in earnest. Any man could be 
happy with a woman like you. 

Aunt C. Oh, Mr. Plummer. 

Plummer. It's a shame there aren't more of them, 
sweet, modest, obedient, loving 

Aunt C. Oh — ^Mr. Plummer! 

Plummer. Nowadays everything is so different. I 
wish, yes, I almost wish I had lived in those days. It 
would have been a pleasure to have known you. Your 
husband was a lucky man, Mrs. Davenport. You say he 
was a saint, but I think you underestimate yourself when 
you say it. You make the young men of to-day feel 
terribly poor, as if they were deprived of something won- 
derful, and, by Jove, they are. 

Aunt C. Oh, Mr. Plummer! 

Plummer. And when I see a woman like you 

Aunt C. Oh, you are making me blush and I haven't 
blushed since poor dear James died. 

Plummer. You are too modest, Mrs. Davenport. 
You need some one like me around to sing your praises. 

Aunt C. {now quite bewildered, having completely 



Poor Dear Uncle James ! 39 

lost her head). Oh, Mr. Plummer, you aren't proposing 
to me, oh no. Poor dear James has only been dead — 
(Buries her face in her handkerchief, overcome with the 
shame of it) — oh. 

Plummer {realizing he has gone too far). Do you 
think I would have the courage to offer myself to you, 
a good-for-nothing like me, after — after — after the man, 
that noble man that you have had for a husband. That 
indeed would take courage. 

Aunt C. Poor dear James! Poor dear James! 

Plummer. Such a man, my dear madam, will live 
forever. Such a man never dies. 

Aunt C. You are right. You are right, and so com- 
forting. 

Plummer. He is with you always. He appears to 
you 

Aunt C. Oh, Mr. Plummer, please, you are making 
me quite nervous. I don't know that I would want poor 
dear James to see me sometimes ; that is, you know what 
I mean — we were always very modest, James and I. 

Plummer. Certainly I understand. In fact you are 
too modest. I was just thinking, if you would only show 
that very pretty neck of yours, instead of wearing that 
collar and all that stuff. 

Aunt C. Oh, Mr. Plummer, my neck is wrinkled. 

Plummer. Don't believe a word of it. Pardon me, 
but it looks like a swanlike neck to me. 

Aunt C. That's just what poor dear James used to 
say. He said the swans always reminded him of me. 

Plummer. Was your husband's death sudden, Mrs. 
Davenport ? 

Aunt C. Yes, yes, so sudden. (Wipes her eyes) 

Plummer (soothing her). There, there, don't talk of 
it if it makes you feel so; there, there. But some day 
you will tell me all about it, some day when — I hope I 
shall see a lot of you in the future. 

Aunt C. (forgetting Frances). Yes, I hope so too, 
but not now, dear Mr. Plummer, not now. Poor dear 
James — ah 



40 Poor Dear Uncle James ! 

Plummer {with his thoughts on Frances). Yes, 
poor dear James. 

Aunt C. He was such a good husband. 

Plummer {still day dreaming) . I only hope I will 
have such a good one ; that is, make such a good one. 

Aunt C. Oh, Mr. Plummer! Really I cannot listen 
to you. {Uises to go) 

Plummer {staring into space), I love her so. 

Aunt C. Her, {Sits) 

Plummer. Yes, my dear madam, your niece, Frances. 

Aunt C. Oh, oh, of course my niece Frances. {She 
rallies) 

Plummer. You will speak a word in my behalf ? 

ENTER D. c. Price. 

Price. Pardon me. I thought 

Aunt C. {recovering herself completely). Come right 
in. You're just the one I want to see. Come and sit 
by me on the divan. I want a good look at you. They 
tell me you are handsome. This is Mr. Plummer. {Both 
men how stiffly. Brice, a hit emharrassed, sits heside 
Aunt Constantine. Plummer sits in chair l.) I un- 
derstand you want to marry my niece. 

Brice. I — I — that is — well 

Aunt C. You haven't asked her, I see, but you want 
her just the same. (Brice smiles rather wistfully) And 
you are how old? 

Brice. Twenty-four next October. 

Aunt C. Next October. That means you are just 
twenty-three. It 's October now. 

Brice {hiimhly). Yes, madam. (Plummer, feeling 
himself left out of the conversation, takes a hook and he- 
gins to read) 

Aunt C. Well, you are young. 

Brice. I'm sorry. 

Aunt C. Oh no, it 's in your favor, I '11 admit. ( Brice 
spies the pendant) But what are your prospects? 



Poor Dear Uncle James! 41 

Brice {off his guard). My prospects? Why— I 
really — I haven't any. 

Aunt C. I suppose you do think it strange for me to 
ask you all these questions, but I have an interest, a very 

special interest, in my niece 's suitors since ( Wipes 

lier eyes) In memory of my poor dear James, I am to 
settle upon her and her family a considerable sum at 
her marriage. I want her to have a husband who is the 
soul of goodness, considerate of her welfare 

Brice. Yes? {Witfi boyish excitement. Plummer 
sees himself in the mirror opposite and suddenly realizes 
how horribly he looks. Slyly during the ensuing con- 
versation he removes his moustache and also a good bit 
of the powder and rouge which has so distorted his face) 

Aunt C. Gentle — patient, loving. Have you any- 
thing to say, sir ? 

Brice {smiling). Nothing, except that I am all of 
those. 

Plummer. Ugh! {They do not turn to look at him) 

Aunt C. And modest. 

Brice. That is, that I ynean to be all of those. 

Aunt C. {drawn to him in spite of herself). Ah! 
You see, we know nothing of you at all. You are an 
entire stranger. Had you not been brought into this 
house 

Brice. Don 't, I beg of you. 

Aunt C. Poor boy. Whatever were you trying to 
do? Commit suicide?- Well, if you were I've given you 
something to live for. It's an ideal worth working for. 
It was the ideal of poor dear James and he achieved it. 
He wasn 't so handsome as you, so he didn 't have so many 
temptations as you will have, but he had them, his 
temptations, and he was true to his ideal and to me, poor 
dear James! {Her eyes on the emerald) I suppose 
you have your living to get ? 

Brice. Well, rather. I had thought of becoming an 
engineer. 

Aunt C. And you came over to study the Brooklyn 
Bridge? I see. Do you realize what it costs to keep a 



42 I Poor Dear Uncle James ! 

wife, young man? And what will your father say if 
you come home with a wife instead of a profession? 

Plummer {who thinks it high time he made himself 
known). A-hem! (Aunt Constantine looks up, hav- 
ing forgotten his presence, and is confused at the trans- 
formation, not at all sure it is the man she has been talk- 
ing with. Silence while the two stare at Plummer) 

AuntC. Well! 

Plummer. Mr. Plummer, madam. 

Aunt C. Mr. Plummer? But I don't understand. 
Why, what has happened to you? How you have 
changed ! 

Plummer {feigning surprise). Happened to me? 

Aunt C. Why, yes, you had I believe my eyes 

are deceiving me. Oh, what would Jamie say to know 

his pet You had; yes, I am sure you wore a 

moustache, one of those nasty little moustaches that I 
so detest. 

Plummer. Ah, madam, I beg your pardon, but you 
are mistaken. I never wore a moustache in my life, 
never. I detest them also. 

AuntC. {brokenly). Ah, is it possible ? (To Brice) 
Well, my dear, this is what it means to be middle aged. 
Eing the bell for me. I will have a cup of tea to refresh 
me. (Brice goes to the hell cord. As he gets up 
Plummer slips into his seat. Brice looks daggers at 
him and chooses the chair R. of tahle, pulling it up beside 
the davenport) 

Plummer. I'm sorry, madam. My last desire is to 
unsettle you in any way. It is unfortunate to have been 
my fate to convince you of middle age. 

Aunt C. {who has wept a little). No, no, for I can 
truly say that I am happy poor dear James cannot see 
my infirmities. (ENTER d. c Lucy) That alone is a 
comfort. Where is Mr. Brice? 

Brice. Right here, madam. 

Aunt C. Pull up the little table and let's be cozy. 
(Brice does so) 

Plummer {to Lucy). Tea for two. 



Poor Dear Uncle James ! 43 

Aunt C. Tea for two ? Sir, what do you mean ? 

Plummer. I wasn't aware that Mr. Brice was able 
to take tea, madam. 

Aunt C. Indeed he is. A little tea won't hurt any 
one. 

Plummer {to Lucy). Tea for three. 

Lucy. Yes, sir. [EXIT d. c. Lucy 

Aunt C. Yes, my niece Frances is very precious to 
me, very precious indeed. The thing I fear is I shall 
never be able to get a husband half good enough for her. 
I don't dare trust to her judgment. {Her eyes on 
Brice) She might pity some one and marry him. 

Plummer {with uncalled for emphasis). Just so, 
madam. 

Aunt C. And she is young and innocent and knows 
so little of the follies of the world. 

Plummer. Ah, that's it. She needs some one older 
than herself by several years to guide. She needs some 
one to teach her the ways of the world. 

Aunt C. Yes, yes, poor dear James was my teacher ! 

Plummer. She needs, in brief {With a withering 
glance at Brice) a man of the world, not a mere youth. 
(Aunt Constantine drops her handkerchief and both 
men make a dive for it, Brice getting it after a cruel 
humping of heads. Plummer looks daggers at him, hut 
Brice smiles and hands it to Aunt Constantine ele- 
gantly) 

Aunt C. {to Brice). My poor boy, be careful. Re- 
member you are an invalid. Did you hurt yourself very 
much ? 

Brice. Not at all. It 's a pleasure to hurt myself for 
you. You are her aunt. 

Plummer {ruhhing his head, which shows red through 
his sparse hair). Ugh! 

ENTER D. c. Lucy with tea tray. Both men make a 
dive for the tray and almost have a tussle for it. 
Brice wins again and places it on the table. 

[EXIT D. c. Lucy 



44 Poor Dear Uncle James ! 

Aunt C. Now isn't this cozj^? {During the ensui7ig 
scene both men try to outdo each other in their solicita- 
tion for Aunt Constantine. Plummer sits beside Aunt 
CoNSTANTiNE on the davenport and Brice takes the chair 
R., which he has drawn up) Oh, dear {Wipes her eyes 
tenderly), this reminds me of the times when poor dear 

James was with me {Her handkerchief falls again 

and Plummer, hound to get it this time, makes a dive 
that almost upsets the table) 

Plummer {handing her the handkerchief). Ah! 
{With satisfaction) 

Aunt C. Oh, that dreadful handkerchief. I'm con- 
tinually losing it. {Beginning to pour the tea) Do you 
have sugar, Mr. Brice? 

Brice. Two lumps, please. 

Aunt C. There. Poor dear James never took a bit of 
sugar and I loved him for it. And you, Mr. Plummer? 

Plummer {ivho adores sugar). None, thank you. 

Aunt C. There, you are like him. 

Plummer. Thank you, madam. 

Aunt C. {regarding Price's bandaged arm). Poor 
boy, does it hurt you very much? 

Brice. Not at all. How could it in such delightful 
company ? 

Aunt C. Oh, how kind you are. Now isn't this cozy? 

Plummer. Ideal. 

Brice. Delightful. {Both men glare at each other) 

Aunt C. You have really made me happy for the 
first time since poor dear James died. I have been used 
to attention. 

Brice. Have a cracker, Mrs. Davenport, do. 

Plummer. Let me spread it with marmalade for you. 

Aunt C. Oh, you are too kind. Yes, I will have a 
cracker. 

Plummer. And I may spread it, please ? 

Aunt C. There, there, of course. 

Brice. Have you tried the jam? 

Plummer {with a withering glance). She is eating 
marmalade now. 



Poor Dear Uncle James ! 45 

Brice. But she isn't going to eat it always. There 
will come a time when she might like something else. 

Aunt C. Why, of course I'm going to try that jam. 
It's some Frances made. {Both men make a dive for 
the jam. Brice wins) And the dear girl would feel so 
hurt. Spread me a cracker, Mr. Brice. {He does so) 
Oh my, you spread it on like a naughty boy. It runs 
down the sides. 

Plummer {ivho has been spreading one in opposition). 
Take this one, Mrs. Davenport. 

Aunt C. Oh dear, no, I like it spread thick and 
running over, I really do. Mr. Brice 's quite suits me. 
(Plummer glares at Brice, smiling at his own success) 

Plummer. It's dripping. 

Aunt C. Oh, how delightful. It makes me think of 
my childhood days. 

Brice {who has suddenly spied the emerald, picks it 
up). Ah, what have we here? My dear Mrs. Daven- 
port, is it possible you could have lost so rare a gem and 
not missed it? 

Aunt C. {carelessly). Ah, my pendant. I didn't 
know I could be so careless. 

Brice. But the chain? {He begins to search for it 
and Plummer assists) 

Aunt C. {lying cheerfidly). No, I didn't have a 
chain with it. I brought it doAvn to show my sister-in- 
law, and to think I should have been so careless. {Very 
car ef idly she ties the pendant in the corner of her hand- 
kerchief) It is a very valuable stone. 

Brice. I should know it at a glance. (Aunt Con- 
stantine lays the handkerchief on the couch) You are 
not going to leave it lying about like that ! 

Aunt C. Oh, I shall take it when I go upstairs. 

Plummer. But any one might come into this room, 
any stranger 

ENTER D. L. Frances. 
Frances. Mr. Bi^ice {In a stern voice. Both men 



46 Poor Dear Uncle James ! 

rise), what did I tell you? {Shaking her finger at him) 
Go straight upstairs and have your temperature taken. 

Brice (meekly). Yes, mademoiselle. 

Aunt C. (rising and purposely leaving the handker- 
chief which only Plummer notes, hut says nothing). Oh, 
my dear, we've had the loveliest, coziest time. 

Frances (to Brice). And all the while I thought 
you were asleep. 

Aunt C. But a little tea, my dear, would never hurt 
him. 

Frances (doubt f idly, as she regards Brice). Well, 
I don't know about that. (Severely) Are you going to 
mind me now, sir ? 

Brice (pretending). I am a bit warm. (Takes out 
his handkerchief and mops his brow vigorously. As he 
attempts to replace his handkerchief it drops upon the 
floor unnoticed by every one except Plummer, who does 
not pick it up) I — -I am afraid that tea was too much 
for me. 

Frances. There, you see. Come here this minute. 
Dr. Stevens will think I'm a fine nurse. (Leads him 
out D. L.) Oh, Aunt Constantine (Calling back), mother 
wants you. She has a bad headache and is lying down. 
I'll be right back, Mr. Plummer. 

Aunt C. Then you'll excuse me? 

Plummer. Most certainly. (Sweeping the curtain 
aside for her) May I ask for a game of cribbage to- 
night? 

Aunt C. (thoughtfully). Do you think that that 
Englishman knows how to play cribbage? 

Plummer (stiffly). I should think the place for an 
invalid was in bed, not playing cribbage. (Aunt Con- 
stantine, with one look at Plummer, sweeps out d. c. 
He picks up Price's handkerchief, aZ^o Aunt Constan- 
tine 's, and tucks the latter, pendant and all, carefully 
within it and places it conspicuously on the chair in 
which Brice has been sitting) That blooming Britisher ! 
I'll fix him. (Just as he has completed the task Aunt 
Constantine suddenly sweeps in, goes straight up to 



Poor Dear Uncle James I 47 

Plummer a7id gives Ifiim one long scrutinizing gaze, 
Plummer isy to say the least, emharrassed, hut tries to 
conceal it by an air of indifference. However, Aunt 
CoNSTANTiNE appears to have no suspicions concerning 
the act he has just performed) 

Aunt C. {with 7iaivete). I am still wondering, Mr. 
Plummer, if you have a moustache! {She sweeps out 
D. c, Plummer staring after her) 



CURTAIN 



ACT III 

SCENE. — Same as Act II. At rise the stage is empty. 
The action until the entrance of Mrs. Dean takes 
place at the hack and right of large table, the hand- 
kerchief which Mr. Plummer has left conspicuously 
spread out, not being easily seen from that place. 

ENTER D. L. Aunt Constantine hurriedly; pulls bell 

cord. 

ENTER D. c. Susan. 

Susan. You Avanted me, ma'am? 

Aunt C. Yes, Susan, come here! {A pause while 
she contemplates her earnestly) You are a pretty giil 
and for that reason I want you to do something for me 
and without asking any questions. Do you understand? 

Susan. Yes, ma'am. 

Aunt C. I want you to array yourself in some of 
Miss Frances' finery 



Susan. Oh, lord, ma'am 

Aunt C. Yes, don't interrupt. And to come here as 



48 Poor Dear Uncle James 1 

a friend of Miss Frances. You will be ushered into this 
room and you will find here Mr. Plummev. You are to 
make up to him most wickedly — ogle him 

Susan ( beginning to hack away) . Ogle Mr. Plummer, 
oh, my lord ! 

Aunt C. Yes, ogle him. You are pretty. Any one 
with eyes like yours can do it. Don't tell me you don't 
know w^hat I mean, for I imagine there's many a poor 
swain would have died for a smile from you. You are 
to tell him you are on the stage, a chorus girl, a star, 
anything — I '11 leave that to you. You can make up your 
own little story. 

Susan. But, ma'am 

Aunt C. There are no buts, Susan. 

Susan. Very well, ma'am. I'll do my best. {Starts 
to go) 

Aunt C. Wait. (Susan comes hack) Then after 
your tete-a-tete with Mr. Plummer I shall arrange to 
have Mr. Brice here 

Susan. Oh, Mr. Brice, I couldn't, no, I couldn't, 
ma'am. I'm that gone on him already 

Aunt C. Hush ! You must. Now go and get ready 
the best you know how. Miss Frances has the clothes 
ready. Be down here in as short a time as possible. 

[EXIT D. L. Susan 

ENTER D. c. Brice. 

Brice. Can you tell me where I can find Miss Frances, 
Mrs. Davenport? 

Aunt C. No, I can't exactly, but I'll find her for 
you. 

Brice. It wouldn 't be too much bother for you ? 

Aunt C. No bother at all. 

Brice. Thank you so much. You are very kind. 

Aunt C. No, my dear boy, I 'm not kind at all, really. 
[EXIT Aunt Constantine d. c. 

ENTER Frances d. c, wearing gorgeous evening dress. 
Brice paces the floor. 



Poor Dear Uncle James I 49 

Frances. Here I am, Mr. Brice. Did you want me 1 

Brice {stares at her a moment). I — I thought I wasn't 
going to see you again before I left and I wanted to thank 
you for that dish of oatmeal. 

Frances. Do you feel very fat? 

Brice. Oh, awfully. I wonder if Aunt Constantine 
would look upon me favorably now ? 

Frances. Are you still taking Aunt Constantine and 
her tests as a joke ? 

Brice. I can't take them otherwise, really. (Seri- 
ously) Will you write to me when I go back to Eng- 
land? 

Frances. I — I don't know. 

Brice. Please. I would like to hear from you very 
much. I am returning to America again in a short while 
and I would like to feel we were friends and that I could 
come here. {Pause. Desperately) You aren't going 
to marry that Plummer. 

Frances. Oh, you don't understand. I've got to 
marry the one Aunt Constantine says — that is all. {He 
walks about) 

Brice {Ms hack to her). Damn! 

Frances {innocently). What? 

Brice {facing her). I said too bad. But you won't 
do it. {Going close to her) Oh {Impetuously), come 
back to England with me now. I — love you ! 

Frances {unable to control her tears) . I — I can't. 

Brice. I 'm a brute, a selfish brute. I '11 go away and 
you need never hear from me again. {Starts for d. c.) 

Frances {recovering herself). Oh, Mr. Brice. 

Brice {turning). Yes, Miss Dean. 

Frances {smiling sweetly). Don't be so rash. 

Brice. No ? 

Frances. And so hot tempered! {Pause while she 
dries her eyes and smiles at him tanializingly) . Isn't it 
time you took your medicine? 

Brice {a little hurt). I believe it is. Good-night. 

Frances {going toward him). Oh, but you're not 
going to bed this early. We may want you later, {PulU 



60 Poor Dear Uncle James ! 

ing aside the portiere) Why, it's all dark out here. 
Ill light up. {She goes out d. c. and he follows) 

ENTER D. L. Mrs. Dean. 

Mrs. D. {calling hack). Just a moment, Constantine, 
and I'll be with you. {She goes straight to the table, 
takes a hook from it and starts off, hut her sight is ar- 
rested hy the handkerchief which Plummer has left 
spread out on the chair. She picks it np and examines 
it, discovers Aunt Constantine 's handkerchief within, 
also the pendant, Reading the initials in the corner of 
the larger handkerchief) A. — B. A. B. An-tho-ny 
Brice! Oh, oh, I knew it. I knew it. {Pulls the hell 
cord) Constantine, — Frances, Vicky. Constantine, I 
say! {Flops on davenport, ENTER d. c. Lucy) 
Rohhers! Oh, Lucy, we are robbed! Call the police! 

Call the (Constantine, Frances, Vicky and Max 

rush in d. l.) We are robbed! We are robbed! Oh, 
what shall I do? What will become of us? We are 
ruined! (Frances rushes to her mother and tries to 
comfort her. Vicky hegins to cry and Max grins as if 
at last the thing he had longed for had come) 

Aunt C. {who alone remains calm). Wait! {To 
Lucy, who has stood petrified) Do not call the police — 
yet! You may go now. (EXIT d. c. Lucy) Calm 
yourself, dear Clara, calm yourself. And explain. 

Mrs. D. {holding forth the handkerchief). This — • 
this handkerchief was lying on the chair here and in it, 
oh Constantine — I cannot say it, — was your pendant ! 

Aunt C. {taking handkerchief and contents). Yes? 

Mrs. D. And the initials say A. B. — A. B. in the 
corner 

Aunt C. A. B. 

Frances. A. B. 

Mrs. D. {nodding). A. B. — Anthony Brice! Oh, I 
knew he was a robber. I told you so all the time and you 
laughed at me. Oh — call the police ! 



Poor Dear Uncle James ! 51 

Aunt C. Wait. Let us find out something definite. 

Mrs. D. (fairly shrieking). Depiite! 

Frances (going up to Aunt Constantine). Oh, 
please, Aunt Constantine, you won't condemn him until 
you have better evidence than this? You won't? 

Aunt C. Don't fret yourself, my dear. Your Aunt 
Constantine is a wise bird. 

Frances. Oh, you darling! (Kisses her) I know he 
didn't do it. It is some awful mistake. 

Mrs. D. (tragically) . Send the children out. This is 
no scene for their tender years. 

Frances (leading them to d. L.). Go, Vicky, and you 
too, Max. 

Vicky (hysterically) . Oh, Frances, I know he didn't 
do it. He's so handsome. You won't let them 

Frances. Hush. Come, Max. (She pushes them 
into the hall gently) Go in the den and have a game of 
checkers. 

Vicky (from hall). Checkers! Do you think I could 
play checkers with his fate hanging in the balance ? 

Max. Oh, come on, Vick! 

Frances (to Aunt Constantine). I didn't think 
when you told me about the tests you were to make it 
would come to this. Where did you leave the pendant ? 

Aunt C. Wrapped in my handkerchief on the couch 
here. 

Mrs. D. I found it in that chair. 

Aunt C. That 's where he sat. 

Mrs.D. Who? 

Aunt C. Mr. Briee. 

Mrs. D. He must have dropped it when he got up to 
go upstairs. 

Aunt C. Strange, awfully strange. I was getting so 
fond of him, too, and poor dear James would have liked 
him, so young — so (Watches Frances) 

Frances. Oh, it must be a mistake. Where is Mr. 
Plummer? (Pulls hell cord) 

Mrs. D. That's it. Send for Mr. Plummer, dear Mr. 
Plummer. He will fix things up, I am sure. 



52 Poor Dear Uncle James ! 

Aunt C. I'm not so sure of that. I'm — I'm a little 
wary of that man Plummer. 

Frances {with feeling). Oh, dear Aunt Constan- 
tine ! 

Mrs. D. {with incredulity). Wary of Mr. Plummer? 
It can 't be possible. 

Aunt C. Well, he has a strange sort of deception 
about him. 

Mrs. D. A strange sort of deception? It can't be 
possible. 

Aunt C. Yes, about his mouth. 

ENTER D. c. Lucy. 

Frances {to Lucy). Please find Mr. Plummer and 
tell him to come here. [EXIT d. c. Lucy 

Aunt C. And he likes intoxicating liquors. {In a 
sepulchral voice) 

Mrs. D. Mr. Plummer likes intoxicating liquors? It 
can't be possible. 

Aunt C. My dear Clara, please don't say that again. 
Anything is possible. 

Mrs. D. {half weeping). But not of dear Mr. Plum- 
mer, oh — no. {In a hurt voice) His great-uncle was a 
count 

Aunt C. At any rate, I want this matter settled. 
I'm not sure I like that Plummer. He has a way of 
changing countenance that is almost weird. 

Frances {laughing in spite of herself). Changing 
countenance. Oh, I can't believe that of him. He al- 
ways looks the one way. 

Aunt C. No, my dear, he doesn't, decidedly he 
doesn't. 

Mrs. D. But we have known Mr. Plummer for three 
years and he has always proved true blue. Why, his 
great-uncle was a count. 

Aunt C. Ah, but you have never tried him, my dear. 
That's the test. You have never tried him. I have, 
and found him wanting. 



I^oor Dear Uncle James ! 53 

Mrs. D. {too weak for further argument at present). 
Oh, Constantine ! 

Aunt C. He likes his toddy too well, my dear Clara, 
to suit me. (Frances is much amused during the fol- 
lowing conversation) 

Mrs. D. But any one would take a little 

Aunt C. Ah, but Frances' husband must not. You 
are forgetting, my dear, the ideal; Frances' future hus- 
band must live up to James Davenport, who was never 
known to touch a drop of intoxicating liquor in all his 
sixty years. 

Mrs. D. {with some sarcasm). He was an unusual 
man. 

Aunt C. But where there has been one, there can be 
another. 

Mrs. D. a man may take a drink now and then and 
not become addicted to the habit, my dear Constantine. 

Aunt C. I — I know, my dear Clara, but that Plum- 
mer at times has the look of a tank, at times, I say, mind. 

Frances. Did — did you try out Mr. Brice, Aunt 
Constantine ? 

Aunt C. I did. 

Frances. And he refused? 

Aunt C. No — not exactlj^ — that is • 

Mrs. D. {starting up). There, you see? 

ENTER D. L. Plummer. 

Plummer. You sent for me? Is anything wrong? 

Aunt C. Alas, Mr. Plummer. Yes. My emerald 
pendant which you saw has been stolen. 

Plummer. No! 

Aunt C. Yes! 

Mrs. D. And what is more, we know the thief. 

Plummer. Ah, I am so glad. The wretch. 

Frances. Oh, Aunt Constantine, you are not going 
to tell him? 

Plummer. My dear Miss Dean, I already- have my 
suspicions. 



64 Poor Dear Uncle James! 

Aunt C. But we are to sift the matter to the bot- 
tom. 

Plummer. Sift the matter to the bottom? I under- 
stood you to say you already knew the thief. 

Aunt C. My sister-in-law said that, and she is not 
quite responsible for what she says. 

Mrs. D. {who has gone through a good deal and feels 
this to he the last straw). Frances, your Aunt Constan- 
tine has insulted me, me, your mother. Oh, it is too 
much. It is more than I can bear. (Frances goes to 
her and soothes her) 

Frances. There, mother, Aunt Constantine is a little 
excited. You must make allowances. 

Plummer. Pardon me, Mrs. Davenport, but I thought 
you were rather careless with that very valuable gem. 
When there are strangers in the house 

Frances. Oh, Mr. Plummer, you can't think Mr. 
Brice took that pendant. 

Aunt C. Hush, my dear. 

Frances. Well, it is too awful to insinuate such 
things. 

Aunt C. There, there, dear. 

Plummer. I'm deucedly sorry if I've insinuated. 
Perhaps I'd better get out and leave this thing to you 
people. I'll have a game of pitch with Vicky and you 
can call me if you want me. 

Mrs. D. My dear Mr. Plummer, you are always so 
considerate. 

[EXIT Mr. Plummer d. c. Pause during which Fran- 
ces begins to cry. 

Aunt C. There, there, dear. I haven't said I be- 
lieved it of him. I can't — not with those eyes of his — so 
like poor dear James' eyes. 

Mrs. D. (with sarcasm). It seems to me you are both 
a little blind. But then none so blind as those who will 
not see. I don't see, Constantine, but what your tests 
are a failure. You refuse to believe the results when 
they are most evident. 

Aunt C. No, Clara, they are not a failure, as you will 



Poor Dear Uncle James ! 55 

find out if you have a little patience. We won't con- 
demn Mr. Brice yet 

Frances. Oh, Aunt Constantine 



Aunt C. I will put the handkerchief with the pen- 
dant in it just as it was left and place the whole thing in 
his pocket — I can manage it 

Frances (anxiously). Yes? 

Aunt C. (delighted with her idea). Place it con- 
spicuously in his pocket and then prick my finger and 
ask for the loan of his handkerchief. Of course he will 
have to offer it when it 's visible 

Mrs. D. Ah, the very thing, dear Constantine. How 
can you be so clever ? 

Aunt C. That's just what poor dear James used to 
say. 

Frances. Oh, but I know he didn't steal it^and it's 
all so dreadful to try him like this. 

Aunt C. Not at all, my dear, for he knows what my 
niece's husband must be like. I have told him. 

Frances (reproachfully). Oh, Aunt 

Aunt C. My dear, he's crazy to marry you. He told 
me so himself. 

Mrs. D. Oh ! 

Aunt C. And I'm in favor of him provided he goes 
through the other test I have prepared 

Mrs. D. But we don't know his father 

Aunt C. We know him, and, well, he's attractive, to 
say the least, but of course we've got to test him out of 
respect to the memory of poor dear Uncle James, and 
we've got to prove his innocence, for after all we couldn't 
have Frances marry a robber, could we, my dear, even 
if he was handsome 1 

Mrs. D. (rising and going to her). Of course, Con- 
stantine, I don 't feel called upon to make any objections 
after the generous offer you make us, so I suppose I must 
rely upon your judgment, but it seems to me we are 
taking a chance in this young Englishman because really 
we don't know his father and Mr, Plummer's gi-eat-uncle 
was a count 



66 Poor Dear Uncle James! 

Aunt C. Leave things to me, Clara, and go upstairs 
and rest. You are tired out and we may want you for 
another ordeal a little later. 

Mrs. D. {starting to d.l,.). I am tired and I believe 
I will. But don 't be too rash, Constantine, don 't be too 
rash. Remember, we don't know 

Aunt C. {to Frances) . Go up with your mother, my 
dear, and make her comfortable. I'm going up in a 
minute and write a letter. 

[EXIT Frances and Tier mother d. l. Aunt Constan- 
tine listens a moment, hears footsteps and hurries 
behind the red plush portiere. 

ENTER D. c. Plummer, radiant at his success. 

PlumMer. Tum tee-a-tee-aa teea. Um-um-um. {Sits 
on the divan and lights cigarette, smiling all the while. 
Susan, dressed in manner best becoming to her type of 
saucy beauty, rushes in d. l. All through the following 
act with Plummer she is confident to the point of bold- 
ness, evidently enjoying the lark) 

Susan. I beg your pardon, sir. I was ushered in 
here by the servant to wait for Miss Dean. (Aunt Con- 
stantine appears at the bach almost completely covered 
by the portiere and not noticed by Plummer nor Susan) 

Plummer {delighted at the sight of her). Ah, come 
in, do. Miss 

Susan. Marlborough, sir. 

Plummer. Marlborough. You are a friend of Miss 
Dean's? Pray be seated. 

Susan {sitting). Yes, a very dear friend, although I 
haven't seen her for three years. In fact I don't believe 
she will know me. We were in school together, but I 
left town shortly afterward and went down to New York 
and took up the stage (Plummer sits) 

Plummer {more delighted) . And you are playing in? 

Susan. In ''Oh, Be Joyful," a musical comedy. 
Have you seen it ? 

Plummer. No, but, by Jove, I will. Where are you, 
chorus or solo ? 



Poor Dear Uncle James ! 67 

Susan. Chorus at present, although the manager has 
promised me a solo next spring. 

Plummer. Jove, I don't blame him. Gad, I don't. 
{Regarding her ivitli admiration) Some costume you 
have. 

Susan. This, oh, this is nothing. You should see 

Plummer. Your stage costumes? Jove, and I in- 
tend to, believe me. Let's see, how long are you booked 
for New York? 

Susan. Only two weeks longer. 

Plummer. Two weeks. That's not so bad. I'll run 
down day after to-morrow and maybe, say, well, say if 
I should get tickets ( Watching d. l. and speaking in a 
lower tone) for a Wednesday night you'd meet me 

Susan. Sure. Love to. 

Plummer. And we'd go to some cozy little cafe, 
what, and say {Humming) 

Susan. I know of a dandy up on 

Plummer {winking). I know of a dandy too. 

Susan. Ah ha, I see you're not new at this game. 
Are you married? 

Plummer. Married ? No. 

Susan. Considering it ? 

Plummer. Well, if I am, I don't let a little thing like 
that interfere with a good time. (Aunt Constantine 
raises her hands in horror) 

Susan. I see. 

Plummer. Of course you won't say a word to Miss 
Dean about this — er — afPair. It isn't necessary. 

Susan. Not a word, mind you. Do you think I 'm a 
fool? How long you goin' to hang out in New York? 

Plummer. Oh — until the show's gone. 

Susan. Then I '11 see you 



Plummer. Oh, girlie, you'll see me every night 



Hark, I hear some one coming. (Aunt Constantine 
disappears) 

Susan. It 's her ! 

Plummer {rising and going to L.). I'll beat it. See 
you on Broadway. Oh, boy, ta-ta! 



58 Poor Dear Uncle James f 

Susan. Thanks awfully. 

Plummer {turning hack). Some baby doll! 

[EXIT D. L. 

Aunt C. {speaking from the library). I think it's in 
the front living room, Mr. Brice, on the center table. 
It's green with gilt edges. 

ENTER D. c. Brice. 

Brice {sees Susan and is somewhat surprised). I beg 
pardon, I didn't know any one was here. I am look- 
ing for a book for Mrs. Davenport. {During this scene 
with Brice, Susan is a hit nonplussed and decidedly does 
not enjoy it) 

Susan. Perhaps I can help you. (Aunt Constan- 
TiNE appears at portiere) I am a friend of Miss Dean's, 
an old schoolmate 

Brice. You are her friend. {Seniles at Susan 
sweetly) 

Susan. Yes, but I haven't seen her for three years. 
I have been on the stage since I was seventeen. I don't 
suppose you go to the theatre much? 

Brice. No — that is 

Susan {with a mighty effort). You wouldn't like 
some tickets for the show? {Making eyes at hiyn) 

Brice {not knowing what to make of her). Thank 
you, but I'm returning to 

Susan {drawing nearer him). Oh, bosh, you should 
worry. Come on down to New York. 

Brice. Eeally I — I 

Susan. Don 't hand me any of your bosh. You know 

you'd like to come and after the show maybe {She 

rolls her eyes and pokes him in the rihs. He hacks to 
D. c.) 

Brice. No — no really, I am 

Susan. I 'd give you a swell time, you know, cabarets 
and all that and 

Brice. You are kind but 



Susan. Say, you 're full of buts. I don 't believe you 
know what a real good show is and I 'd like to show you. 



Poor Dear Uncle James ! 69 

Have you ever been to one of them musical comedies 
where the girls wear short skirts 

Brice (smiling). Yes, I rather think I have. 

Susan. And didn't you enjoy yourself? 

Brice. Well, rather. 

Susan. Aw, be a sport and come on down to New 
York and I'll betcha you'll have the time of your young 
life. I did. Shall I send you some tickets? 

Brice {unable to escape from her). It — it would be 
no use for I 'm returning to 

Susan. Aw, cut it. (Aunt Constantine disappears) 

Brice. Cut it ? 

Susan. I mean you can postpone your visit. {Mak- 
ing eyes at Mm) 

Brice. But it isn 't a visit. 

Aunt C. {off stage). Mr. Brice, whatever are you do- 
ing ? Have you found it ? Green with gilt edges. 

Brice {calling hack). No — no, I haven't; that is, not 
yet. 

Aunt C. Well, no matter. I'll look myself. 

Susan. And you won't come to New York? (Plead- 
ingly) 

Brice (getting holder now that he has reached d. c). 
Really I hate to refuse a charming girl like you but it 
it impossible for me to come. Good-night. (He dis-r 
appears quickly hehind the curtain) 

Susan (coming down). Oh, my lord, my lord. 
Ain't he handsome? What a night, but then (Taking 
out the hills Aunt Constantine has given her) it's 
worth it. Me for my room. [She runs off d. l. 

ENTER D. c. Aunt Constantine and Brice. 

Brice. Why, she's gone. 
Aunt C. Who's gone? 

Brice. A girl who was here, a friend 

Aunt C. (la^ighing heartily). Oh, you poor boy, 
don 't you know that was just another trap ? 
Brice. Trap ? 



60 Poor Dear Uncle James I 

Aunt C. {going up to him and taking a lapel of his 
coat in one hand while she tucks the handkerchief with 
the pendant in his pocket with the other), I wanted to 
test you in the matter of women, my dear. As I said be- 
fore, Frances ' husband 

Brice. But who is she? 

Aunt C. So you are interested. Well, she's Susan, 
the maid. 

Brice. And you did that? 

Aunt C. Yes, I did that and found you true blue. 
{Pulls him beside her on davenport) 

Brice. But that was unfair. 

Aunt C. Not at all, my dear boy. 

ENTER D. L. Mrs. Dean, Plummer and Frances. 

Mrs. D. {thinking she has intruded). Oh! 

Aunt C. Come in, all of you, and let 's have a pleas- 
ant little party together. Where are the children ? 

Mrs. D. In bed; it's after nine. {All sit. The at- 
mosphere during the following scene is restrained. All 
appear nervous except Brice and Aunt Constantine) 
I think Mr. Brice ought to be in bed. I don't want the 
doctor to think we haven't given him good care. 

Brice {looking at Frances). I'm sure I couldn't 
have had better care had I run up against the post of a 
private hospital. 

Aunt C. There, my dear, you see he appreciates it. 

Frances {absently, her eyes on the handkerchief , 
which is plainly visible over the top of Brice's pocket). 
It was nothing but what anyone might have done. 

Plummer. I say, let 's have a game of cards. 

Mrs. D. Yes, let's. That would be delightful. You 
are always so clever, Mr. Plummer. What do you say, 
Constantine ? 

Aunt C. Um-um. {She starts up, pretends to catch 
her finger on a pin and cries out) 

Brice {who stands nearest her). Oh, you have hurt 
yourself. {The others watch them intently) 



Poor Dear Uncle James! 61 

Aunt C. Just a pin prick but I guess it's going to 
bleed, horrid thing. Where's my handkerchief? 
(Fumbles hut cannot find it) 

Mrs. D. I left mine upstairs. I haven't any place 
to tuck it in this gown. 

Aunt C. Frances? 

Frances {reluctantly). No-o. 

Plummer (fmnhling). By Jove, where is my hand- 
kerchief ? 

Aunt C. (suddenly). Ah, Mr. Brice has one. 

Brice. I'm afraid it is not too clean. It has been 
through a lot, that handkerchief. (Pulling it out) But 
you may have it. 

Aunt C. (attempting to make use of it). Ow, what's 
that hard thing? My dear Mr. Brice, what do you carry 
in your handkerchief? (Assuming surprise) Why, 
here 's my handkerchief. How 

Brice (laugliing). It looks rather bad, doesn't it, 
for me to have your handkerchief? (Suddenly feels the 
atmosphere made frigid hy the others and looks around 
puzzled) 

Plummer. You might as well 'fess up, Brice. 

Brice (looking at Frances, who has begun to weep). 
What is it ? I don 't understand. 

Plummer. Nothing except that Mrs. Davenport's 
very precious emerald is tied up in that handkerchief you 
have so carefully treasured. 

Brice. But — but I didn't treasure any handkerchief. 
What do you mean, sir? 

Mrs. D, Of course you must admit, Mr. Brice, that 
it looks very suspicious. 

Brice. I admit it, Mrs. Dean, I really do, but I assure 
you I am as surprised as you are to find it there. 

Aunt C. (calmly). I don't wonder, Mr. Brice, since 
Mr. Plummer put it there. (The words have the effect 
of an exploding bomb upon the others present) 

Frances (unable to keep silent any longer). Oh, 
Aunt Constantine. 

Brice. Mr. Plummer put it there ? But what for ? 



62 Poor Dear Uncle James I 

Aunt C. Oh, you are a stupid boy. To make you 
lose out in the game, of course. 

Mrs. D. Oh, what a dreadful world. You can't trust 
any one. 

Brice. You can trust me, madam. {He smiles at 
her siveetly) 

Frances. Oh, Mr. Brice, I knew you didn't steal 
that awful thing. I knew you didn't all the time. 

Brice. Thank you, Miss Dean. {Pause while all un- 
consciously look at the tableau of Frances and Brice) 

Aunt C. Well, I think it's time for the rest of us to 
go to bed like the children. Come, Mr. Plummer, I want 
to give you a bit of good advice. No, don't run away 
from me. {Taking his arm) You're a bad boy and 
you've got to get the scolding you deserve. {Leading 
him to D. L. ) I 've made up my mind, Frances, in this 
matter of a husband, and that means that you have. Oh, 
Mr. Brice, you don't know what you've got to live up 
to — my poor dear James ! 

[EXIT D. L. Plummer and Aunt Constantine 

Mrs. D. {going up to Frances and kissing her). My 
dear child, my dear child, I hope we have acted wisely 
although we don't know his father. 

Aunt C. {off stage). Come, Clara! 

EXIT D. L. Mrs. Dean 

Frances {calling after her mother) . Don't feel bad, 
mother. I never was so happy in my life. 

Brice. Do you mean that, what you said to your 
mother ? 

Frances. Why, yes, of course. 

Brice {taking her in his arms). And you will come 
back to England with me? (Vicky, in negligee, and 
Max, in pajamas, appear up stage half concealed by the 
portiere and not noticed by Frances and Brice) 

Frances. Whenever you say. 

Brice {looking into her face a moment in silence). 
They will be so glad when they see you at Valmoral 
Castle. 

Frances. At Valmoral Castle? What do you mean? 



Poor Dear Uncle James ! 63 

Brice. I mean at my home. 

Frances (drawing away). You live at Valmoral 
Castle? You are an earl's son? 

Brice {drawing her to him again). Would it be so 
dreadful to be Lady Meredith? Would you mind it so 
very much ? 

Frances {with a little sigh). No, I shouldn't mind 
it at all. In fact I think I should rather like it and 
mother will he delighted. {He kisses her. Vicky clasps 
her hands in rapture and Max grins) 



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PRICE 25 CENTS „_ 

LODGERS TAKEN IN 

A comedy in 3 acts, by Levin C. Tees. 6 male, 4 female characters, also 2 
supernumeraries. 1 intei'ior scene. Time, about 2k hours. Costumes of 
to-day. A husband with a strong case of the " green-eyed monster " taking 
a trip abroad with his wife, places his home in charge of his ne'er-do-well 
nephew. By connivance the valet of the house and the nephew rent the 
rooms to a very mixed class of tenants, whose diversified characters present 
great opportunity for comedy acting. The dialogue is very bright, the ac- 
tion continuous and the situations most laughable. This is adapted from 
the same work upon which William Gillette's famous " All the Comforts of 
Home" is based, with all the comedy parts retained, but the remainder 
brought down for a smaller cast and shorter time. 

^ PRICE 25 CENTS _ 

THE NEW PASTOR 

Vaudeville sketch in 1 act, by Willis N. Bugbee. 2 male, 2 female char* 
acters. 1 easy interior scene. Time, if played straight, about 30 minutes; 
specialties to suit may be introduced. The New Pastor and Miss Colton 
meet accidently at Deacon Brown's house and, much to the surprise of the 
deacon, he learns that at one time they were good friends on the vaudeville 
stage. What the result is, is told in the climax. Good parts throughout. 

PRICE 15 CENT S 

STANDING ROOM ONLY 

A comedy in 1 act, by Dwight S. Anderson. 3 male, 1 female character. 
1 very simple interior scene. Time, about 35 minutes. An exceedingly 
clever and vivacious sketch with plenty of humor. The cast contains a 
crabbed father; his son, a collegian; a butler, and a very superior juvenile 
female lead. All character parts and all good. 

PRICE 15 CENTS ^ 

A STORMY NIGHT 

A comedy In 1 act, by Katharine Kavanaugh. 3 male, 1 female character. 
1 interior scene. Time, aboiit 40 minvites. All the parts are good, especially 
that of Mrs. Robinson. The dialogue is crisp, up-to-date, and somewhat on 
the order of a cross-fire sketch. As a bright and witty little comedy, highly 
recommended. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 



PLAYS WE RECOMMEND 

Fifteen Cents Each (Postage, i Cent Extra) 




Act.s Mahs r<mah 



Arabian Nights 

bundle of Matches 

Crawford's Claim 

Her Ladyship's Niece 

Just for Fun 

Men, Maids, Matchmakers 

Our Boys 

Puzzled Detective 

Three Hats 

Timothy Delano's 

Courtship 
Up-to-Date Anne 
White Shawl 
Fleeinjr Flyer 
From Punkin' Ridgre 
Handy Solomon 
Hoosier School 
Kiss in the Dark 
Larry 
Love Birds' Matrimonial 

Agency 
Married Lovers 
Ma's New Boarders 
Mrs. Forester's Crusade 
New Pastor 
Relations 

Standing Room Only 
Stormy Night 
Surprises 
Tangles 

Little Rogue Next Door 
Till Three P. M. 
Train to Mauro 
When Women Rule 
Won by a Kodak 
April Fools 
Fun in a Schoolroom 
Little Red Mare 
Manager's Trials 
Mediea 

Mischievous Bub 
Cheerful Companion 
Dolly's Double 
Drifted Apart 
Gentle Touch 
John's Emmy 
Point of View 
Professor's Truant Glove 
Belles of Blackville 
Sweet Family 
Conspirators 
A Day and a Night 
Gertrude Mason, M.D. 
In Other People's Shoes 
Maidens All Forlorn 
Mary Ann 
Romance of Phyllis 
Fuss vs. Feathers 
Tanglefoot vs. Peruna 



Farce 
Comedy 
Drama 
Comedy 



Farce 

Comedy 
Farce 

Drama 

^"arce 



Comedy 
Farce 

Sketch 

Farce 

Comedy 

Farce 



Comedy 
Farce 



Comedy 
Dialogue 



Minstrel 

Entertainment 

Comedy 

Farce 
Comedy 



Mock Trial 



'iltnt 
2V.h 

2':h 

11/.. h 

2h' 

2h 

2h 

Ih 

2h 

Ih 

Ih 

IJ/jh 

VAh 

lV4h 

20m 

30m 

45m 

45m 

30m 
4jm 
30m 
30m 
30m 
20m 
35m 
40m 
30m 
30m 
40m 
20m 
15m 
15m 
50m 
30m 



(1 
II 


40ni ■ 
35ni ■ 




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45ni ■ 







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2 


25m • 




1 


20m ■ 




1 


30m ■ 


1 


30m ■ 




1 


20m ■ 


1 


20m ■ 




1 


20m ■ 




any no. 


2h ■ 




8 


Ih " 




12 


40m ■ 




10 


Ih ■ 




7 


30m ■ 




8 


50m ■ 




6 


lV,h ■ 





1 Vi h 
30m 
li^h 



Great Li^el Case " " 1 21 2h 







LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 








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S PLAYS WE RECOMMEND \ 


■ 

u 


[■ For Schools and Colleges 




■ 




'I Twenty-five cents (Postage 2 cents extra) 


■ 




^ 




.lf/.s 


Males Females Time , 




^1 Irish Eden 


Comedy 


3 


» 


6 


2h : 




'■ Kidnapped Freshman 


Farce 


:i 


12 


4 


2V4h , 




% Matrimonial Tiff 


Farce 


1 


2 


1 


ih ; 




m Little Savage 


Comedy 


:i 


4 


4 


2h g 




^ Lodgers Taken In 


" 


:i 


6 


4 


2M.h , 




Ji Miss Mosher of Colorado 


" 


4 


5 


3 


2h ; 




% Miss Neptune 


" 


2 


3 


8 


iv4h ; 




% My Uncle from India 


" 


4 


13 


4 


2V.h - 




Ji Never Again 


Farce 


3 


7 


5 


2h g 




% New England Folks 


Drama 


3 


8 


4 


2^h a 




, 1 Next Door 


Comedy 


3 


5 


4 


2h a 




t Oak Farm 


Comedy 


3 


7 


4 


2V.h a 




|i lliddles 


" 


3 


3 


3 


iVih B 




> Rosebrook Farm 


" 


3 


6 


9 


l%h a 




, ■ Stubborn Motor Car 


" 


3 


7 


4 


2iAh ■ 




% Too Many Husbands 
V When a Man's Single 
J Where the Lane Turned 
, ■ After the Honeymoon 
, ■ Biscuits and Bills 
,■ Chance at Midnight 
^ Conquest of Helen 
> The Coward 


Farce 


9 


8 


4 


2h 1 




Comedy 


3 


4 


4 


2h ■ 




" 


4 


7 


5 


2h I 




Farce 


1 


2 


3 


50m ■ 




Comedy 


1 


3 


1 


l'4h 1 




Drama 


1 


2 


1 


25m I 




Comedy 


1 


3 


2 


Ih 1 




Drama 


1 


5 


? 


30m ■ 




, ■ Sheriff of Tuckahoe 


Western 


Sk. 1 


3 


1 


Ih ■ 




> Bashful Mr. Bobbs 


Comedy 


3 


4 


7 


2y2h ■ 




J" Whose Widow 


" 


1 


5 


4 


50m ■ 




> Alice's Blighted Profes- 


Sketch 


1 





8 


50m ■ 




1 ' sion 

i' Regular Girls 


Entertainment 1 





any no. 


Ih ■ 




■ ■ 100% American 


Comedy 


1 





15 


li/oh ■ 




? Parlor Patriots 
1 ' Fads and Fancies 
1 ' Mr. Loring's Aunts 


" 


1 





12 


Ih 1 




Sketch 


1 





17 


Ih ■ 




Comedy 


3 





13 


iy4h ■ 




i' My Son Arthur 


*' 


1 


2 


8 


%h ■ 




1 * Sewing Circle Meets 


Entertainment 1 





10 


lUh ■ 




J" Every Senior 


Morality 


play 1 





8 


40m ■ 




J* Bride and Groom 


Farce 


3 


5 


5 


2V4h t 




? Last Chance 


Comedy 


2 


2 


12 


IVoh ■ 




^ Bubbles 


" 


3 


4 


3 


iit.h ■ 




? Hurricane Wooing 


" 


3 


4 


3 


lyoh ■ 




I ■ Peggy's Predicament 


" 


1 





5 


i,^h i 




1 ' Found in a Closet 


•« 


1 


1 


3 


20m ■ 




1 ' Slacker (?) for the Cause 


Sketch 


1 


3 


1 


20m ■ 




i' Baby Scott 


Farce 


3 


5 


4 


2y4h ■ 




1 ' Biily's Bungalow 


Comedy 


3 


5 


4 


2h ■ 




1 ■ College Chums 


" 


3 


9 


3 


2h ■ 




1 1 Delegates from Denver 


Farce 


2 


3 


10 


%h ■ 




t . Football Romance 


Comedy 


4 


9 


4 


2 yah ■ 
l%h ■ 




ij Held for Postage 


Farce 


2 


4 


3 




1 In the Absence of Susan 


'* 


3 


4 


6 


ly^h " 




IT Transaction in Stocks 


Comedy 


1 


4 


1 


45m " 




1 , Aunt Dinah's Quilting 
^ Party 


Entertainment 1 


5 


11 


2h ; 
















% Bachelor Maids' Reunion 


" 


1 


2 


any no. 


iy2h ' 




■ , In the Ferry House 


" 


1 


15 


11 


lyah ■ 




i. Rustic Minstrel Show 


" 


1 


any no 


any no. 


iy2h ; 




• ! Ye Village Skewl of Long 














5 Ago 


" 


2 


any no 


any no. 


2h 1 




■ 1 Rainbow Kimona 


" 


2 





9 


IVoh ■ 




% Rosemary 


Comedy 


4 





14 


iy2h ' 


I 


■C Pharaoh's Knob 




1 


1 


12 


lb ; 


■ 


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